In the more than six months since I last wrote, my life has changed yet again. Perhaps it would be news if my life weren’t changing in some way. The flux in my life affects the big picture. I don’t do small change. It’s always big. Overwhelming. Intense. Day-to-day, I hate change. I’m a homebody by nature, I crave routine and the comfort of being surrounding for long periods of time between my own two walls. I like predictability. At least, that is how I would describe my core.
And yet, since becoming a mother I have had few moments of personal peace. The turmoil has felt endless and sometimes suffocating. Being a mother, living a responsible, productive adult life, surviving the challenges of marriage and forging my way through a demanding professional career—all of this has been the backdrop for my journey to discover myself. The journey that, for years, defined me.
But here I am. It’s 2014, and as I look ahead I have promised myself that this is the year that I try to catch a breath. I will just be well and live my day-to-day one at a time. It’s time to slow it all down and focus on my family. It’s time to take the emphasis away from me and find comfort in the chaos, instead of constantly fighting it.
In the past, the turmoil has caused ill health, and deep, difficult struggles. But I’m through that and most definitely stronger for it. Not stronger in the way that I feel like I could roar, but stronger in that I know myself better now than ever before. This feels good. Very good. And because I know myself I can face the coming year with a sense of fortitude that I couldn’t just a few years ago.
This is a good place to be. I feel good—really good. I’m content. I hope to get back to writing it all out. This place provided me with clarity when I needed it. The writing forced me to think. To understand. I miss it.