Making choices

Lately it feels like I’m coming here more and more to write about how busy I am. And if I’m not writing about how busy I am here, or here, I’m thinking about how busy I am. And then I start to think about what I can do to slow down the pace of my life, to remember to breathe, to protect myself from getting caught up in it all in an unhealthy way. No matter how much I turn it around in my head, right now, today, something has to give.

My life is rich and full. I’m finally well, consistently well. Of course, I have bad days. And yes, I’m still working through many personal challenges. But I’m happy more often than not, I’m productive more often than not, and my well of patience feels mostly full again for the first time since before my children were born. At least most days.

I’m working on several stimulating, yet incredibly intellectually and time-challenging projects. They are soaking up most of my creative energy and capacity to think. 

I’m trying hard to make my relationships with my husband, and downtime with him really about being with him, rather than escaping into my computer. I admit, I’m not always good at this, but I’m working on it.

My children are flourishing and growing and generally challenging us in so many wonderful and irritating ways every day. They are 3 and 5 1/2 now. When did that happen? They are settling later at night which leaves less time for me. I’m okay with this. It’s how I expect it to be.

I’m surrounded by friends who care for me, and who make a difference in my life in so many ways. Some of them are online and who I hope will remain firmly a part of my life, but many more are offline and I want to give them my attention. Some of them need my attention.

And so my life is full—to brimming if I’m being quite honest.

And that leaves little room for what I do here. This writing, this connecting and sharing. There is so little of me left to devote to this space in a way that I would want to be able to do that. It’s not that writing has become less important to me, it’s just that I have to make choices in my life. Isn’t that what motherhood and womanhood and balance are all about?

Making choices—choices we can support and sustain.

And for now I can’t sustain this blog. I’m spent by the time I carve out a moment to write, and that means I’m not writing the things I want to be writing. That means it becomes a chore. When it becomes a chore, it creates guilt.

The last thing I need in my life is guilt. I’ve worked too hard to find some emotional and mental stability.

So when I’m not coming here, when I’m unable to visit all my favourite blog spaces and read and connect, I feel guilty. I also feel sad, and somewhat empty, but mostly I feel guilty.

But the thing is, that guilt is entirely of my own making. So the only way I see to undo it, at least for now, is to eliminate it. I have to give myself permission to let it go so that it doesn’t hang over me every day, so it doesn’t gnaw at my conscience.

To leave this space untended is gut-wrenching, even as I write this I can feel myself resisting. It has been so many things to me over the last few years. But I realize now that those thing will never leave me, I can always come back when I’m ready. Or not, if I never am. But when I do, I want it to be for the right reasons. I want it to feel comfortable and natural and a privilege rather than a chore. I want it to be because I have something to say, and to share. Just now, I don’t feel that way.

So for now, I’m stepping away. I expect this will be a long break. The things that are taking up so much of my energy at the moment are far from being over, the light in the tunnel is still only a speck. And who knows, maybe next week I’ll have something burning to write about and you’ll see me back here eating crow. But I don’t think so. I think that this permission I’m giving myself is going to free up just the right amount of space, space that I desperately need.

In the meantime, you’ll still find me in all the usual places like here, or here. Or you can always drop me a line here. I’ll be around, just in a different, more simple way for the next little while.

 

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19 thoughts on “Making choices

  1. Lindsey says:

    Bravo to you for giving yourself the space you need … sending you love, and I look forward to hearing your news in other ways. xox

  2. I echo Lindsey in applauding your choice to choose yourself. I’ll be here (and there) to read your words however you choose to share them. xo

  3. I totally understand your choice. I’ll look forward to continue connecting via twitter. Jules

  4. MKCountryman says:

    I shouldn’t have read this now. I am having a tired day, and the tears have been close to surface all day. Now they roll. Of course, I support and applaud and understand. You have written a very good good-bye, leaving options for hearing from you, which I totally appreciate.

    Damn, I might have to learn to twitter.

    Take care of yourself, Christine.

  5. I understand and have now “liked” your FB page. Congrats on making a difficult choice.

  6. Chantal says:

    as I started reading this I knew how it would end. I know I feel the same way but I just haven’t formally said it on my blog. I feel the guilt but I try not to. I have so much still to say and I don’t write for very different reasons that you do. I am once again glad that you are doing what is right for you Christine. You know, and I wish I did.

  7. pamela says:

    Oh my goodness! I am totally feeling sorry for myself now – but happy for you that you are taking care of yourself and carving out the time you need. I am seriously going to have to learn Twitter now. Luckily I know Facebook … I have been thinking of your 19 pounds and am in awe and inspired to get rid of my own 10 ….

    This space has been so helpful to me and I have learned so much from you. Thank you so much for that!!

    Much, much love to you!!!

  8. Christa says:

    Oh, I completely understand, Christine! And brava to you for both figuring out and doing what you need to do to take care of you. I’m doing less and seeing how that goes, and yet… I find I miss the space when I am gone for too long. Curious to see what works for you.

    I will see you in all the other places… thanks for this lovely piece.

    XOXO

  9. Lena says:

    I imagine this was difficult but I commend the choice you are making. I’m sure it hurts to walk away (if not forever, for a while.) and turn away form something yo have invested so much time in. It is truly impossible to juggle everything all at once, something has to give and right now, it is this blog, in a while it may be something else and if so, would love to be reading your blog again! As a working mother and mother of two as well (both under 4) I can truly respect this decision and congrats on having the guts to do it and make that right choice.

    Good luck!

  10. Alana says:

    Joining in the applause as you create space for yourself and the live that you are currently living. I too will miss your words here (and one of these days I’ll make more space for Twitter in my life again) but I trust that we’ll stay in touch. When you’re ready to write again, I’ll be ready to read. Enjoy the permission you’ve given yourself – that is such a gift.
    Sending love.

  11. Alana says:

    ahem…the life you are living 🙂

  12. ShannonL says:

    Good for you, my friend! I think this is a wonderful step for you, and so proud that you have given yourself the permission to take a break and to rid the guilty feelings. Your life and your priorties really seem to be in check, and I also think it’s great that you’ve been making more effort to connect with Jay. Sometimes Daniel and I get into the rut of each connecting to our laptop/iPhone instead of each other, and it really takes a conscience effort to stop from doing that.

    Much love to you, Christine. You are doing so great, and I’m glad you were able to see the problem and address it before it got too overwhelming. xoxo

  13. harrietglynn says:

    With you! My first step because stopping completely is so hard is to just post whenever I feel like it, which I’ve been doing since Jan 1, and weirdly, the earth kept rotating. Next step, pulling the plug!

    Congrats! Life exists offline too!

  14. Cathy Rankin says:

    Thank you for giving us the time that you did, and when you if/when you come back, we will be here waiting.

    All the best.

  15. Only You says:

    I just read this after having returned from an on and off (mainly off) year blogging. Wow, everything you wrote is how I had felt…but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to voice my guilt, my uncertainties, etc…and I would just disappear, come back, disappear…I applaud you for your self awareness, honesty and generosity in sharing this in real time. I hope you’ll come back to this space when you’re ready. Take care.

  16. Capital Mom says:

    Good luck Christine. We all need to shift the priorities every so often.

  17. It takes courage to carve out time for yourself and knowing what to let go and keep. It is in flux.
    I will always read your words wherever you choose to express them. Much love to you Christine.

  18. Justine says:

    I applaud you this move Christine. I think I could have written this myself. With a full life, it’s hard to dedicate my time to my family blog but because I started it to capture memories for my older girl, my guilt forces me to continue for the sake of my little one. There goes that guilt again…overpowering me.

    I wish I could make this move you made – I so admire your recognition and the consequence of your own needs. I will miss visiting you here but I also know where to find you (yay!) so until the next time, see you in (cyber) space! 🙂

  19. denise says:

    Hi my friend.

    I, too, have been on a bit of a blogging hiatus. It didn’t start intentionally, as yours did (Huge props to you for that). I’m stepping back in, slowly.

    I’ve been thinking about you and clicked on my reader just now and saw I had no new posts from you. That felt strange–I was a bit worried. But now, after reading this post, I feel at ease. For you, and everything in your life.

    Much love to you.
    xo

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