The most important revelations always happen when you aren’t expecting them. I think it’s when we let down our guard, or when we are looking the other way. We spend so much of our lives searching for meaning that we easily forget that many of the answers are right there inside us, just waiting to be found. I know this has often been the case for me, particularly as I’ve learned to focus on looking inward, to slow down and listen to my heart.
It happened just the other night. I was sitting cross legged, relaxed, but tuned-in, talking with a woman who has seen the very heart of me, a woman to whom I’ve opened my heart and my mind in the most courageous and vulnerable way when I had a breakthrough. It wasn’t something she led me too. We were exploring something completely different, and yet at the same time centrally related. I think it was because of that the crack opened just a hairsbreath and made the awareness available to me, otherwise I probably would have missed it completely.
I stopped our conversation short, just like when you’re walking and the person ahead of you suddenly stops and you walk right into her. I could almost hear the thud in my brain, and then see the awareness of what had happened as I saw myself clearly for the first time ever.
In a moment I had a pivotal discovery about myself that, to date, had been hiding in plain sight. The obviousness of it once I turned myself to it and acknowledged it for what it was changed everything—my assumptions about myself and the demons that have haunted me.
Within the space of a moment I realized that all these long months of trying so hard to come up for air, I’d been fighting so hard to unlock the meaning of something that was nothing more than a misunderstood demon. And while the realization of it feels entirely happenstance, it offered an important key to my struggles that is vitally liberating.
And that’s what demons are right? They are unclean spirits that sit with us, haunting and tormenting, but never facing us head on where they can be dealt with, defined, eliminated. They stay hidden, but always there. They know that if you can name them you finally get the upper hand. You learn how to fight back. You understand. And with knowledge comes power.
That’s how I feel right now, that I’ve finally found something tangible and specific that I can extinguish. It’s a heady feeling, a welcome and hard fought for feeling. It’s the taste of success, but better than that it’s the taste of self-understanding and God it’s intoxicating.