Intoxicating

The most important revelations always happen when you aren’t expecting them. I think it’s when we let down our guard, or when we are looking the other way. We spend so much of our lives searching for meaning that we easily forget that many of the answers are right there inside us, just waiting to be found. I know this has often been the case for me, particularly as I’ve learned to focus on looking inward, to slow down and listen to my heart.

It happened just the other night. I was sitting cross legged, relaxed, but tuned-in, talking with a woman who has seen the very heart of me, a woman to whom I’ve opened my heart and my mind in the most courageous and vulnerable way when I had a breakthrough. It wasn’t something she led me too. We were exploring something completely different, and yet at the same time centrally related. I think it was because of that  the crack opened just a hairsbreath and made the awareness available to me, otherwise I probably would have missed it completely.

I stopped our conversation short, just like when you’re walking and the person ahead of you suddenly stops and you walk right into her. I could almost hear the thud in my brain, and then see the awareness of what had happened as I saw myself clearly for the first time ever.

In a moment I had a pivotal discovery about myself that, to date, had been hiding in plain sight. The obviousness of it once I turned myself to it and acknowledged it for what it was changed everything—my assumptions about myself and the demons that have haunted me.

Within the space of a moment I realized that all these long months of trying so hard to come up for air, I’d been fighting so hard to unlock the meaning of something that was nothing more than a misunderstood demon. And while the realization of it feels entirely happenstance, it offered an important key to my struggles that is vitally liberating.

And that’s what demons are right? They are unclean spirits that sit with us, haunting and tormenting, but never facing us head on where they can be dealt with, defined, eliminated. They stay hidden, but always there. They know that if you can name them you finally get the upper hand. You learn how to fight back. You understand. And with knowledge comes power.

That’s how I feel right now, that I’ve finally found something tangible and specific that I can extinguish. It’s a heady feeling, a welcome and hard fought for feeling. It’s the taste of success, but better than that it’s the taste of self-understanding and God it’s intoxicating.

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11 thoughts on “Intoxicating

  1. Cathy says:

    I could’ve written this post (well, not as well but…) as I had a similar revelation, completely happenstance, a few months ago that was mind-altering. Unbelievable and profound. It gave me such clarity to who I am and why I do the things I do. Now that I know why and what is broken, I can finally begin the repair – or at least relax in my newly found understanding. I am still amazed at how fundamental it is and yet so obscure for so many years.

  2. Lindsey says:

    Wow – this is so inspiring. Bravo, and what a wonderful relationship you must have with that other woman that together you can create space that allows those kinds of cracks and breakthroughs. xoxo

  3. Chantal says:

    oh Christine I am so happy for you. You have been working so hard! Keep it up!

  4. How lucky for you to have a friend like that!

  5. Justine says:

    We all need a friend like that; it’s amazing how they can help us see ourselves so much better than we can despite all our effort. Good luck with your demons. I am battling mine as well – we’ll see how it goes eh?

  6. I was so lucky to have a mother who worked through many demons and issues. She taught me this, not how to do it (unfortunately); just that it can be done. And maybe thats enough. She would always encourage and push me to know whats going on inside. Stay in touch, know yourself, your strengths and shortcomings. It is impossible to fight ghosts, but you can fight anything if you know what you are fighting against.

  7. What an inspiring post! It was your hard work that made the breakthrough moment possible, of course, but how wonderful that you were in such a relaxed and open place for it to happen.

    • Christine says:

      Thank you so much for saying so, and for being such an important support. I value your presence in this space, and I’m grateful for the gentle words of encouragement you always offer.

  8. Beautiful. And what a nice start to the new year!

  9. Lovely to hear you sharing a space with someone you gets you. It’s the best feeling ever.

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