Last night I asked Twitter if I should do the obvious and write a resolutions post. Those who responded overwhelmingly answered no, at least not unless I was going to do a different kind of resolutions post. And that was the problem, I couldn’t think of a different way to do it. But I was feeling that I should just write—write all of my hopes and my dreams for the coming year and organize my thoughts and priorities with the words that have always helped to keep me rooted and accountable, to me, to you, to the universe in general.
I am an incredibly organized person. I try to keep my life as clutter free as possible, I write lists, lots of lists; I plan and track my days with an eye to evaluating and reevaluating every action and reaction. My life fits in neat, categorized mental boxes and I have a knack for over-analyzing them. It’s how I think—tight, neat, programmed, in control. I like it that way, I do well that way.
But as much as this I believe is my greatest gift and has helped me achieve so much in my life, it has also been my greatest struggle. For more than a year now, I’ve been working hard on learning to let little bits of control go. It hasn’t been easy, it takes a lot of personal reminders about what matters and what really doesn’t. It takes trust, and I’m not very good at that. This fall I fell deeply into old habits, habits that fed and bred on this compulsion, habits that ironically eventually start spiral out of control. I was tilted too far in one direction, and could feel that I was on the verge of losing my balance.
So I wrote about my need to do a little personal reset, to implement some checks and balances to help me get back on track. It was time to remind myself of where I’ve been, how far I’ve come, and what I need to do keep moving forward in a positive way. And I’ve been doing just that —thinking and considering.
Yesterday I went for a coaching session with my yoga and meditation instructor. She asked me what I needed, what I wanted to focus on. I told her that my life was beginning to once again feel like a freight train, and that I needed to start 2012 in a calmer more confident way.
And so that’s the crux of it, the places I’ve been, and the place I want to go leads me over and over to a profound sense that all I need is calm. So for 2012 I won’t make any grand declarations or promises, I’ll just keep honouring the work that I’ve done, pulling myself back whenever I need to, practicing all this change, learning to make it habit and routine. I’ll focus on moments of quiet, deep long breaths and perspective. I’ll pull it together so that I can continue to work on defining my life instead of letting my life define me.