The crux of it

Last night I asked Twitter if I should do the obvious and write a resolutions post. Those who responded overwhelmingly answered no, at least not unless I was going to do a different kind of resolutions post. And that was the problem, I couldn’t think of a different way to do it. But I was feeling that I should just write—write all of my hopes and my dreams for the coming year and organize my thoughts and priorities with the words that have always helped to keep me rooted and accountable, to me, to you, to the universe in general.

I am an incredibly organized person. I try to keep my life as clutter free as possible, I write lists, lots of lists; I plan and track my days with an eye to evaluating and reevaluating every action and reaction. My life fits in neat, categorized mental boxes and I have a knack for over-analyzing them. It’s how I think—tight, neat, programmed, in control. I like it that way, I do well that way.

But as much as this I believe is my greatest gift and has helped me achieve so much in my life, it has also been my greatest struggle. For more than a year now, I’ve been working hard on learning to let little bits of control go. It hasn’t been easy, it takes a lot of  personal reminders about what matters and what really doesn’t. It takes trust, and I’m not very good at that. This fall I fell deeply into old habits, habits that fed and bred on this compulsion, habits that ironically eventually start spiral out of control. I was tilted too far in one direction, and could feel that I was on the verge of losing my balance.

So I wrote about my need to do a little personal reset, to implement some checks and balances to help me get back on track. It was time to remind myself of where I’ve been, how far I’ve come, and what I need to do keep moving forward in a positive way. And I’ve been doing just that —thinking and considering. 

Yesterday I went for a coaching session with my yoga and meditation instructor. She asked me what I needed, what I wanted to focus on. I told her that my life was beginning to once again feel like a freight train, and that I needed to start 2012 in a calmer more confident way.

And so that’s the crux of it, the places I’ve been, and the place I want to go leads me over and over to a profound sense that all I need is calm. So for 2012 I won’t make any grand declarations or promises, I’ll just keep honouring the work that I’ve done, pulling myself back whenever I need to, practicing all this change, learning to make it habit and routine. I’ll focus on moments of quiet, deep long breaths and perspective. I’ll pull it together so that I can continue to work on defining my life instead of letting my life define me.



14 thoughts on “The crux of it

  1. Your work is inspiring. I love this simple phrase, and may borrow it in my daily thinking: I will define my life, instead of letting my life define me. Happy New Year.

  2. Kelly says:

    I think it’d be easier to write out some resolutions than to breathe deeply and re-focus on the important work of creating (and giving yourself time and space to enjoy) the life you want. Here’s to a purposeful and correctly-focused 2012!

  3. Cathy says:

    Genius. Keep it simple. Keep it real.

  4. Calm … yes calm would be nice. And good for you for being organized but recognizing when you need to let little bits of control go. I often don’t realize that I need this until everything explodes and I fall to pieces, which generally happens once a year when it hits me that I am taking on too much and need to simplify and focus. With that in mind, I actually committed myself to four simple but clear resolutions which you can read here . Having either never made resolutions or just used themes like “eat more healthily,” I thought some specificity was called for. Good luck with your calm.

  5. If it helps, I want to first climb the mountain of organization and control of which you speak just so I can then aspire to your calm descent to balance. I’ve been in a psychic tornado since my children arrived in my life, for my careful control and intense drive were upended and I haven’t found the tools yet for coping with that, let alone restoring some semblance of self, let alone achieving any of my previous goals, let alone remembering where I put my lists.

    So. Kudos to the self awareness, kudos to making the changes you want in your life, congratulations for being so in touch with your life that you know when you’re out of balance and in need of restoring. That seems like a pretty admirable place to be.

    Enjoy 2012!

  6. I am resolute about not making resolutions! An anti-resolution post is under construction as we speak. 🙂

    Still, like Nap, I need to organize my shitstorm life.

  7. […] Christine from Coffees and Commutes – The Crux of It […]

  8. denise says:

    Calm. Ahhhh. Just writing that word makes me lower my hunched shoulders and breathe a bit deeper. Wishing you all of your wishes, my friend. Happy, blessed new year to you. xo

  9. I am not a resolutions person either. I am striving to create a more mindful and calm lifestyle for myself. That takes more than a resolution. Here’s to the new year Christine. Looking forward to reading your words.

  10. Pam @writewrds says:

    Calm would be sublime. Calm confidence … yes. That’s it. Wishing you all that and more good things this coming year.

  11. Jane says:

    You had me smiling and calm by the end of your post. Your resolution/non-resolution is catchy! Calm, acceptance, mindful living – I’m adding them to my goals, too. Thanks for the reminder. xo

  12. Cathy says:

    Ah the crux of it – all be damning to me. Happy New Year – understanding your obstacles is the key to overcoming them.

  13. […] but I noticed that so many did last year, and after my last post of 2010 when I wrote about focussing on moments of quiet, taking long deep long breaths and maintain perspective, it seemed clear that this could be a good exercise for me. A mantra by which to frame my life over […]

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