Shaken

I’m struggling with faith right now. I’m struggling just when I could use it most. I’ll be honest, I feel like I’ve given God more than His fair share of chances, and I’m tired of him taking and taking. I know I sound spoiled and ungrateful. I know that in the grand scheme, my life is charmed in so many ways.

But tonight, I feel empty of Him. (Or Her, or It, or whatever) And I’m desperately hoping I can find a way to fill up my spiritual well. Because I need it. I need it in spades.

I’ve always been a believer. I’ve not done a very good job of honouring that belief, struggling much of my life with notions of religion and spiritual observance, but I’ve never questioned that there is a power higher than humanity. It’s always just fit for me.

But tonight that belief is shaken, shaken to the core.

And I’m angry. I’m angry and pitiful. And that self-pity is festering. I’m letting it, I’m letting it lick at my wounds and gain traction.

Yet I’m leaving room, just a scrap of space for a sign, some token that I should keep believing. That there is a reason to believe. That all will be fine.

But that’s not life right? Life is full of wretched, difficult stuff. What I’ve got going on, what I’ve been through, is ultimately no worse and no better than anyone else.  The things that the people I love must endure., the things that they struggle with that I wish I could sweep away, they are  all part of the human condition.

It’s all just life.

And though we learn that we must not take life for granted, it still has a way of leaving us feeling superfluous. Like surplus.

So tonight I struggle with faith. I struggle to believe when I need to believe, when trust is just what I need to help me find the strength I need right now.

Because ultimately I know it’s trust that will provide the grace and strength to see anything through.

I wrote this as part of Heather at The Extraordinary-Ordinary’s Just Write exercise. Head on over if you want to learn and read more.

 

Advertisements

24 thoughts on “Shaken

  1. Lindsey says:

    It is my personal belief – and I mean no offense to anyone, at all – that faith isn’t faith until its tested. Which is to say, at least for me, doubt is an inextricable part of faith. It shows I’m thinking about it, wondering, pushing the limits of where I end and the universe begins, trying to discover where grace can catch me. I’m sorry you are in a difficult place. Sending much love. xox

  2. Oh sh*t. It sounds like something terrible is happening. Thinking of you, Christine. Hope things calm down and become peaceful soon.

  3. Loving you, Christine. Stand still and see — he will do great things (and I will pray for a sign for you in the meantime).

  4. harrietglynn says:

    I’m a non-believer who wishes she believed. Have you ever checked out http://www.emergingmummy.com/. She writes a lot about religious matters (and has three kiddos). She’s great!

  5. Stacia says:

    Oh, Christine, I’m wishing you peace. And wishing I knew where and how to find it.

  6. Christa says:

    I know. It’s hard.

    I just saw a quote the other day… Something like the strongest metal has been rendered, over and over, by fire. True, but sometimes, I’d be happy to be a medium strength metal, and it sounds like you are feeling that way, too.

    Look inside – the He, She, It is there. Always.

    Love to you, Christine, and peace.

  7. Liz McLennan says:

    Wishing I could hug you, in this moment. Is it a crisis of faith? I have no idea but I DO think that the fact that you are calling out to God – beseeching, broken but still hopeful – is important.

    When you reach out to us – other writers, your readers, your friends, the universe – you are reaching out to God.

    When you feel weak but still reach out…Mama, THAT is strength.

    When we reply, filled with love and hope and words to buoy you up, that is grace. And His reply.

    We are here.

    He is, too.

  8. Louise says:

    I too have had faith since childhood, but in the last year, for the first time ever, I’ve been hearing silence whenever I try to seek His voice. And it is hard. While my faith is unshaken, I am lonely and tired, and wondering what I’ve done wrong, and when He will turn his face to me again.

    The only thing that brings me any sort of comfort is in my firm belief that He WILL turn to me again, that there is a reason for this testing, and that it will not be in vain. The Psalms sometimes help, too, as even the psalmists often felt abandoned by God. Yet inevitably, by the end of the psalm, there is hope.

    I pray that hope trickles back to you, and all of us who are struggling with the silence, very soon.

  9. Pam @writewrds says:

    I know it’s hard, so hard, and it seems like it’s not there right now, but it is.
    It’s there right now.
    And we’re here, right now — and later and after that too — for you.

    Hugs, Pam

  10. As a fellow questioner, I definitely understand how you are feeling. Sending you healing vibes, my friend.

  11. CJ says:

    Oh yes! Yes, yes, yes!!!!

  12. I get this. Sending you strength to find more strength. xoxo

  13. Courtney says:

    I think it is awesome you are so open to sharing these things, it is what makes me love your blog. I wish I could open up about my issues with faith but I havent. You inspire me in so many ways and I will tell you this, once I realized that faith isnt want everyone say it is, mine got better. I would have never figured that out if I didnt lose my daughter. I would have continued to go with status quo.

    I hope that all is okay and keep strong, you are so unbelievable strong and questioning and looking will only make you that much stronger. Do what you feel is right and ignore what others think your right should be.

  14. Capital Mom says:

    I do believe that life is hard. There are great periods of struggle. But everytime I come through one of those times I am stronger and find it easier to deal the next time. I wish you all the best and lots of strenght for whatever you are working through.

  15. denise says:

    I understand. I question, too, and send you love during your time of questioning. xoxo

  16. I’m sorry you are going through something terrible, and I’m touched by your openness about your questioning. Thirty years ago, when my mom was dying of cancer, I decided to experiment with dropping my formal belief system. (I felt as though I was only using faith as a crutch in a time of crisis.) I never went back. On the other hand, I have strengthened my own values, many of them pretty consistent with what I learned through formal religion. I’m not advocating that you do what I did, just saying crises tend to cause people to ask these questions. I wish you the best in your quest.

  17. pamela says:

    Oh honey. I am sorry. Just know we all go through this questioning. We all go through these times. Just be good to yourself, my sweet.

  18. Let me know how I can help.

  19. Michelle says:

    I have just recently discovered my own definition of absolute knowing. It has come from nowhere and everywhere. It. Is. Glorious.

    I’ve been where you are, desperately seeking. It is horribly lonely, at least it was for me. I had to take steps from seeking to allowing, feeling and then knowing.

    I’m here for you and always open to talk, listen…

  20. Several years ago, I spoke with a woman who had just lost her mother and her sister, close together. I asked her how she was doing and she told me, “You’ve got to praise Him in the good times and in the bad times all you can do is praise Him.”
    Since this advice came to me from someone who was in a lot of pain at the time, I believed it was really profound and remembered it all this time because I thought it would be helpful.
    Now I’m where she was (not the same losses, but some horrible upheavals for me), and knowing what she said has not helped. I remember I should praise Him, but I don’t. I remember I should read scripture but I mostly forget. I know I should pray, but I mostly don’t. I don’t know the way forward. I don’t know the way through. I hope to come out of this with a more mature faith, but I’m certainly not there yet. All I know is that I will not lose my faith again because the foundation it was built upon still stands.
    Thank you for posting this and letting all of us weigh in. It has helped me to see what others have said to you about something I myself would not have written about.
    And know that you are not alone and if you want to share what’s going on, you will find support and sympathetic ears right here, whenever you’re ready.
    I’m thinking positive thoughts for you. If I said I’d pray, I’d obviously be lying… 🙂

  21. Cathy says:

    I lost my faith a long time ago but I still yearn to believe. I completely understand this. Hugs to you.

  22. I get it. I just want you to know I get it.

  23. It’s not for everyone, but I can be uplifted through reading. I have so many inspirational spiritual type books lying around, and I will sometimes just pick one up to uplift me. Often it works. It can help shift my perception. Thinking about the many prayers that have been answered in my life…I mean I’ve experience real true miracles. Thinking about those going through difficulties that completely dwarf my own…thinking about how grateful I am to just be here, alive and well, with all my loved ones. But we all feel this way at times. We are human, and emotional, and life can show us so many different challenges. Thanks for sharing and being so open and real.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: