I’m not a yoga practitioner. To be honest, I’ve only tried it a handful of times. Though I’ve enjoyed it when I have, I haven’t been able to make it a more significant part of my life. I believe I’d love it, given my fondness for meditation, but for now, it feels like it would only add to an already exhausting list of priorities. Perhaps, you may argue, that this the very reason that I should make it a priority. It’s certainly crossed my mind.
Recently I’ve had the word savasana on my mind, it just settles and repeats itself whenever I allow myself a moment of quiet thought. It’s a full and meaningful word don’t you think? It just rolls around your mouth, requiring that you whisper it, much like the lazy slither of a snake. Ssssavassssana.
As a yoga position, it requires you to let your whole body relax, with an awareness of your chest rising and falling with each breath. It’s very similar to what I do in meditation, which is why it’s the one yoga pose I never struggle with. For me, it fits.
For the last few weeks I’ve felt like my whole life has been one perpetual savasana. I’m busy, of course, incredibly busy at work and at home, but I feel like my summer days have been one long exhale, like I’m held in this place of deep relaxation from which I am unable to extricate myself. It’s like I’m in between.
I’m tired, but generally content. I’m leaning into my life, letting it unfold into how I feel and what I need in the moment. I’ve come through endless months of transition, and turmoil and emotional upheaval. I’ve been working so hard to find myself, to learn to cope, to pass from what was to what is with self-confidence and grace. And I finally feel like I’m passing through from dark to light. But still, in-between.
If I sit quietly, I can see the outline of who I am brighter and stronger than ever before in my life. The anxiety still rocks my core, visiting just when I get too confident, but that silhouette is growing brighter and stronger every day. I’m finding my focus by letting go more often and learning to forgive myself. By honouring who I am as mother, woman, individual and wife, instead of allowing all of the pieces to war with each other as they have from the moment my first son was born. I’m finally settling into life with all the parts, and I’m doing it by respecting the needs of each, when they need it.
But it’s constant work—and this is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned. There is no destination, there is only learning to live with each piece as it comes, and giving myself the strategies I need to do it. Knowing this, embracing it despite it’s inherent faults and challenges, is tremendously gratifying and empowering.
And so as I sit in this in-between, as I let myself notice each breath in and each breath out, a new, but vital awareness of how all the pieces of my life turn and twist together, some parts separate but, also, always inextricably linked, emerges. It doesn’t make living it less exhausting, only more peaceful.
I’m finally learning that I really can’t do it all, but that I can do what I need to do when it is needed.
It’s why I’ve been away for a bit. I’ve been needed elsewhere, and I just gave in, knowing that this place would eventually pull me back, when I was ready, when I needed the others pieces to step aside and give me the space I needed.