Over the last year I’ve changed dramatically. I’m am not overstating when I say I am not the woman I used to be, in good ways and bad ways.

I know I’ve changed, I feel it whispering in every part of my body, struggling to break free, yearning to just unfold and be. There is a sensation of longing balling up deep in my heart, growing stronger and more vibrant every day.

But I still don’t know who I am. This unravelling, it takes work. And it is such hard work. Important work, yes, but achingly difficult. Because the change is so extraordinary.

Frankly, I’m still pretty lost. I often feel like I don’t fit in my own skin. 

Mostly, though, I can find comfort from appreciating the journey. I’m beginning to love myself.

I’m also learning to look to the universe, to recognize the guideposts that show me the way. Bit by little bit, I’m moving in the right direction.

It’s a wondrous thing to just trust and really accept that things are the way they are supposed to be. It’s incredibly invigorating to let your life unfold according to a greater plan. If  you only open your mind to the idea of it, it becomes abundantly clear. You begin to notice the signs all around you. They are so obvious, they almost knock you off your feet.

But they almost knock you off your feet. And it takes time to get used to that sense of imbalance, to appreciate it for what it is.

Hard work. Soul work.


22 thoughts on “Imbalance

  1. Lindsey says:

    Bravo. You’re an inspiration, plain and simple. I’m still very much stuck in the murk of the soul work, the imbalance, the not-knowing. Thanks for making me feel less alone here. xox

  2. Christa says:

    And I have been on this path for a long time. And when I look behind me, as hard as it was at times, I would not trade a single second of it. Glad much of it is in the rear view window, though!

    This might sound overly simplistic, but I’ll put it out there anyway…. all you need to do, my friend, is be. Be who you are, in this moment, and only that. Radiate out love and the good that is you. That is all.


    Love to you.

  3. Thank you for this inspiring post, and the reminder to accept life is good even though we may have taken a different path than we envisioned when we were younger.

  4. Pamela says:

    I love this! I love your honesty and your bravery and your confidence. This is such an inspiring post and I can’t do justice to it in my own words. Just owning your journey. Speaking your heart. Finding your voice and expressing it so peacefully. Thank you!!

  5. Amen, lady. Amen.

    The hardest part for me is not just not knowing where I’m going, but accepting that I may never know. What’s a girl to do?


  6. Thanks for another great post. I nominated your site for the Irresistably Sweet Blog award over at my site. Looking forward to reading more.

  7. Ahhhh, feels so good to read this!

    You mentioned how much work it is to unravel – and wrote “it takes time to get used to that sense of imbalance” (I’m guessing a life time) and that you’re “beginning to love” yourself – so many things that resonate with me!

    I love, love, love reading *real* (honest and vulnerable) writing, the kind that makes me feel at home in my own lostness (knowing it’s the human condition), rather than wondering what road I missed…

    Thank you so much!!

  8. I wonder how much this has to do with turning 30 and being in your 30’s. I feel the same way about myself. I am slowly realizing that “this is who I am,” and I just have to stop thinking about how I’d like to be or how a person “should” be and just be me. I have a husband and two kids who love me dearly, which gives me the courage to follow my own path.

  9. Amber says:

    Oh how I can relate! The better I feel mentally, the more other things seem to pop up: spirituality, politics, and other vague things. I suppose that, for me, it’s that I can address these issues that have been buried for so long because I can actually handle it. Like you said, it isn’t easy. No way. I’ve been knocked down myself.

  10. ayala says:

    You will,you will!!!

  11. Cathy says:

    I think I’m slightly older than most of the bloggers I read and I am struck with what you say because I used to feel as you do. Uncomfortable in my own skin not knowing who I am. It is only recently, really since I turned 40, that I’ve started to really feel comfortable with myself. The irony for me is that I do not feel like I know everything. In fact, it’s quite the opposite and I am content knowing that I do not know everything, that there is so much for me to learn, for me to become. There is no end state for me, just constant evolution towards the person I am.

  12. Ahh, Christine, you are so inspiring.

    You know, I feel like I’ve been in that state of imbalance for so long that it’s started to feel like balance. That changing, growing, and becoming has become the status quo instead of, well, the status quo. I guess that’s what they mean by a work in progress.

    • Christine says:

      Thank you Meagan. 🙂 There may be something to this idea, certainly I expect to always be working at it for the rest of my life, but I really feel I need to get to a place where I just feel content and comfortable in my own skin.

  13. Women fought for the right to do anything, and now we agonize over how much of “everything” to do. I spent a big part of my life trying to be more, and better, and a fair amount of it wasn’t making me happy. I know you’ve come a long way in your search, and I hope you’ll soon get to a place where you can exhale and relax and enjoy all that you are and have.

  14. alita says:

    The fact that you are facing your demons straight on is beyond brave. Most adults have there escape routes. There are so many different self defense mechanisims. Standing up for yourself; getting to know the person-the soul- that lies within your own body is miraculous.

    Soul work indeed. 🙂

  15. Oh, Christine. What a touching post. I cherish when people put so perfectly feelings into words. I wish I had talked to you more at Kripalu. I missed out! Thank you for sharing your journey.

  16. Amber says:

    It is hard work, no doubt. But for me, it’s also the best work I’ve ever done.

    The other thing that I’m coming to see, which is really awesome, is that I don’t necessarily have to know who I am. At least not in a grand sense. I can just be, and seek purpose and joy, even just in small ways. And then I look back, I can see that I was being myself, even if I can’t give that self a name yet.

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