We’re approaching the end of The Gifts of Imperfection: Mondo Beyondo Winter Dream Lab. The experience has been like an awakening for me. I’m struck by this sensation that all the emotional flailing, the writing and reading and small life changes I’ve made in recent months have finally started to come together into something solid over the last eight weeks.
Certainly I’ll take some of the credit for the clarity. The six months since I began my battle out of depression have been hard work. Work that I’ve been willing to do because I believed the road to healthy meant allowing myself to be vulnerable and to engage with concepts like those we’ve discussed in the dream lab. Ideas like faith, creativity, fun, and authenticity.
But I also believe in fate. I have to. That’s what happens when you face loss at such a young age. You learn to cope in ways you might not have otherwise. I confront my struggles with a strong sense that everything happens for a reason. If I didn’t, I think I would have completely lost myself many years ago.
So I believe I was meant to take this course. A year ago it wouldn’t have meant to me what it has now—at this crossroad. The timing is perfect.
Each week I shared little bits of the exploration with you here. But what’s happening beyond that has had even more significance. If you could see me every Tuesday and Thursday as I listen to audio with Brené Brown on my commute you would be amazed. I listen and cry and feel more and more pieces of myself unfold so that I can really see myself, all of me. It’s raw and pure. It’s spiritual. Brené articulated an approach that opened the door to self-understanding. I felt my soul being unlocked.
With my therapist I’ve circled around a consciousness of feeling blocked from the life I want to live by a glass wall. It’s very disconcerting to know where you want to be, but feeling unable to actually reach it. But it’s not there anymore. It’s gone. I’m finally sinking into life. I’m not trying it on, I’m actually wearing it.
It may sound trite, but I’m not overstating when I say I feel as though I’m on the cusp of my life. The sensation feels like everything is finally starting. The glass wall has finally lifted and I can reach out and touch what once seemed so elusive.
I’m writing this here so that I can hold on to it. I need to bravely declare it. I’ve been feeling that a lot, as though it’s all pouring out of me, a compass leading me to fully settle into my life. I honour my intuition when I say that I feel I’m on the cusp of something wonderful. The beautiful thing is how comfortable I feel telling you, even though I don’t yet know what it is.
But it’s there. For the first time in a long, long time, I have no doubt.
*Update: In the Dream Lab today we’ve been asked to name our imperfection, as well as the opportunity hiding within the flaw. The idea is that our more shadow-y tendencies are also the doorway to incredible light. After reading this post last night, my husband said he felt that what I wrote here was less about fate and more about faith. That has been sitting with me ever since. Indeed, I believe I’ve found faith in myself. So I’m claiming Guidepost # 5 from The Gifts of Imperfection, Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith. More to come soon!Image: ‘reflections (B)‘ by camil tulcan via a Creative Commons license.