Fate

reflections (B)We’re approaching the end of The Gifts of Imperfection: Mondo Beyondo Winter Dream Lab. The experience has been like an awakening for me. I’m struck by this sensation that all the emotional flailing, the writing and reading and small life changes I’ve made in recent months have finally started to come together into something solid over the last eight weeks.

Certainly I’ll take some of the credit for the clarity. The  six months since I began my battle out of depression have been hard work. Work that I’ve been willing to do because  I believed the road to healthy meant allowing myself to be vulnerable and to engage with concepts like those we’ve discussed in the dream lab. Ideas like faith, creativity, fun, and authenticity.

But I also believe in fate. I have to. That’s what happens when you face loss at such a young age. You learn to cope in ways you might not have otherwise. I confront my struggles with a strong sense that everything happens for a reason. If I didn’t, I think I would have completely lost myself many years ago.

So I believe I was meant to take this course. A year ago it wouldn’t have meant to me what it has now—at this crossroad. The timing is perfect.

Each week I shared little bits of the exploration with you here. But what’s happening beyond that has had even more significance. If you could see me every Tuesday and Thursday as I listen to audio with Brené Brown on my commute you would be amazed. I listen and cry and feel more and more pieces of myself unfold so that I can really see myself, all of me. It’s raw and pure. It’s spiritual. Brené articulated an approach that opened the door to self-understanding. I felt my soul being unlocked.

With my therapist I’ve circled around a consciousness of feeling blocked from the life I want to live by a glass wall. It’s very disconcerting to know where you want to be, but feeling unable to actually reach it. But it’s not there anymore. It’s gone. I’m finally sinking into life. I’m not trying it on, I’m actually wearing it.

It may sound trite, but I’m not overstating when I say I feel as though I’m on the cusp of my life. The sensation feels like everything is finally starting. The glass wall has finally lifted and I can reach out and touch what once seemed so elusive.

I’m writing this here so that I can hold on to it. I need to bravely declare it. I’ve been feeling that a lot, as though it’s all pouring out of me, a compass leading me to fully settle into my life. I  honour my intuition when I say that I feel I’m on the cusp of something wonderful. The beautiful thing is how comfortable I feel telling you, even though I don’t yet know what it is.

But it’s there. For the first time in a long, long time, I have no doubt.

*Update: In the Dream Lab today we’ve been asked to name our imperfection, as well as the opportunity hiding within the flaw. The idea is that our more shadow-y tendencies are also the doorway to incredible light. After reading this post last night, my husband said he felt that what I wrote here was less about fate and more about faith. That has been sitting with me ever since. Indeed, I believe I’ve found faith in myself. So I’m claiming Guidepost # 5 from The Gifts of Imperfection, Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith. More to come soon!

Image: ‘reflections (B)‘ by camil tulcan via a Creative Commons license.
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22 thoughts on “Fate

  1. ayala says:

    Christine, how wonderful that you are finding peace and finding your way. This is your time and I hope this new journey brings you all that you need. Thank you for sharing your feelings with all of us. Sometimes timing is just right, this is your time.

  2. Christa says:

    I love this – really well said. The beauty of it, at least in my experience, is that you will come around to this point over and over again.

    And to have no doubt shows just how much you have grown. Hard work and grace…

    Are you doing the next class?

    • Christine says:

      I think I have to. To keep it going. I realize now that it’s not a destination but a conscious effort to keep it going. The work never ends right? So I think so. You?

  3. Kelly says:

    Love this bold declaration, Christine. You’ve done the work and know that you’re capable of this brilliant life that you so deserve. This post reminded me of your older post about the two selves (http://coffeesandcommutes.com/2010/11/shifting/) — my hope for you is that you feel whole and complete in this awakening.

    • Christine says:

      Thank you Kelly, for being an endless source of support. I really hope you know how much it means to me. And for remembering that post and how it connects to this. Indeed it paints the whole picture.

      The best part is I have this place, and my friends (people like you) to help keep me accountable, to keep moving forward. The work isn’t done, I don’t imagine it ever really will be. But I finally feel I have the foundation I need.

  4. I am so happy for you, Christine. I follow your journey with admiration, and am glad the universe is giving you what you need when you need it. Fate indeed.

  5. NayLahknee says:

    This is your fatefaith/faithfate walk – that is what I believe our life experiences, awakenings, joys, losses, moments are – fatefaith/faithfate.. just depends on which one you choose to put first. Love it! Love 2 U!

  6. The “cusp of something wonderful” sounds like hope to me which is fantastic. It’s hard knowing you want to be someplace but sounds as though, and I hate to use these words, you’re on the path and doing the work. It is work. I think many people are trapped behind their own glass (or cement) walls.

  7. Brava, Christine! Your hard work is paying off, and it’s beautiful to see.

  8. Cecilia says:

    This is significant, Christine, truly wonderful. I was clinically depressed years ago but I do remember the moment when I saw and felt light rather than darkness. I’d be curious to see how things unfold for you from hereon out. I still struggle with remnants of the blues and am trying to find ways to cope.

    I love this: “I’m finally sinking into life. I’m not trying it on, I’m actually wearing it.”

  9. Justine says:

    Christine – it’s lovely to read these words my friend. I can feel your excitement and happiness here, and I applaud you your journey. I had an awakening myself these past months, and like you, I feel “I’m on the cusp of something wonderful.” Suddenly, when you open yourself up to the world and let it all in (and out), it feels like your emotions, good or bad, are finally authentic. And when it’s good, it’s so so so good, isn’t it? Big hugs to you my friend. You continue to inspire me every day.

  10. Bumby says:

    ” The glass wall has finally lifted and I can reach out and touch what once seemed so elusive. ” Congratulations !!!!

    Always, Bumby

  11. Amber says:

    I don’t find it trite that you feel you are on “the cusp of your life.” Frankly, Christine, I understand exactly what you mean. I told Ben yesterday that after last year, when everything seemed to fall apart (literally and figuratively), this year began with so much more hope than I have had in a long time. Your words here have helped me understand the importance of confronting your fears–and your faults–and moving forward with the new tools received from wonderful outside help.

  12. All good things in their time, perhaps. We never know what path will lead us to where we need to be. And then it’s time for yet another path, and another. A bit of the unknown which pleases me.

    So much clarity, Christine. Wonderful.

  13. It’s nice to read this Christine. I love how you say that you are actually wearing your life. It’s the voice of being less afraid. I think that is something to savor and celebrate.

  14. I have loved sharing this journey with you, Christine! Such a blessing to know you, even virtually.

  15. Fantastic to read this, Christine! Love the idea that “shadow-y tendencies are also the doorway to incredible light.” And this is good for me to remember, especially on days in which I’m swimming in a fog of uncertainty, and wondering about why things happen as they do. Fate and faith–maybe these coalesce and operate together.

  16. laura says:

    i love the picture, amazing! great blog

  17. Oh, I am SOOOOO relating to your words here. They speak of the last year and half of my life. And here is the funny thing: the dissolution of my glass wall was catalyzed by taking Mondo Beyondo itself. Small and wondrous world, no? 🙂

    Much love to and celebration with you,
    Kristin

    • Christine says:

      How amazing that you’ve been through this too, and that it was triggered by Mondo Beyondo is a lovely coincidence. I’d love to hear more. It’s all just starting for me, and I’m both thrilled and quite overwhelmed by it. The dream lab seemed to offer the connection I needed to pull together abstract ideas that once seemed so elusive.

  18. Faith is elusive for me but what you’ve described here definitely seems to be faith, and there’s nothing more important than faith in yourself.

  19. Amber says:

    It sounds so much to me as if you’re finding your place. And I’m so happy for you.

    I trust that the chapter you are embarking on now will be chock full of good thinks for you. 🙂

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