The Cinderella Effect

There is something extraordinary happening to me. I’ve been sitting with it for a while now, hesitant to express it for many reasons, mostly because I can’t shake the fear that once I do it will all change.  I’m calling it the cinderella effect. It’s the feeling you get when you first slip your feet into a perfectly fitting pair of shoes. What’s more, the shoes not only fit impeccably, they are actually quite comfortable.

Many months ago I expressed that I was living my life teetering on the edge of a cliff. I felt like I was going to fall, fall so far that I would no longer recognize myself. It was fuelled by a sensation of being significantly disconnected from myself, as if I was going through the motions of a life that didn’t fit. As that post rolled into many more over many months, several that were written from a deep fog of uncertainty and insecurity, the cliff somehow transformed into a wall, a wall that separated two parts of my self: the self I used to be before motherhood and the self I wanted to be. Try as I might, I couldn’t seem to bridge the gap and inhabit either life with any degree of certainty.

Much has happened since then, I’ve spent countless hours focusing on that wall. In the beginning I willed it to clear a path and show me the way, then I practically begged it, until I realized I had to accept it and forget about focusing what was beyond it.

And now it’ s happening. There is a subtle, but profound shift. If I hadn’t been paying such close attention, I’m not sure I could have noticed it.

I wrote a post early this week about Faith and Intuition. Kelly of The Miller Mix left a comment saying: You are doing mighty work woman! I was so happy to have someone acknowledge it so directly, to point it out, even to me.

It’s been happening a lot lately. This fitting together of the pieces of the puzzle. The awareness is almost physical, like my soul is snapping into place. Like I’m slipping into a perfect fitting pair of shoes. And that place is not only about living a more honest life, but it’s offering self-understanding and acceptance.

Last week I read Amy at The Never True Tales post about The Witching Years, and then Lindsey’s follow-up piece in which she helped me to realize that what I lost when I became a mother was certainty. Snap. Click. Nod. More understanding.

At the same time, I’ve been doing a lot of heavy book reading, underlining and annotating furiously. Crying and sharing passages with my husband. Snap. Click. Cry. Nod. More understanding.

And then this morning, I was driving along on my commute, listening to audio of Brené Brown from the Mondo Beyondo Winter Dream Lab. She was talking spirituality and intuition. As I listened, I started to cry, not because of sadness, but because her words were unlocking something inside me. I felt an awareness quietly slide into place, an understanding of my own faith that I had never recognized before. It was the single most important moment of this entire journey I’ve been on.

Seemingly out of nowhere I felt a deep calm come over me and I realized that what I am doing now, this mighty work, is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

This is me. This is who I am. This digging deep, the meditation, the slowing down and living life, the writing, the inward focus. All of it. This is what I am supposed to be doing. It’s not leading me somewhere new, it’s right now. I’m there. This is it.

Does that make any sense at all? It’s so very hard to describe. It’s all coming together. It’s like my life has finally found me, and is offering a gloriously comfortable fit.

Image: ‘untitled‘ by Patricia via a Creative Commons license.

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29 thoughts on “The Cinderella Effect

  1. Brene says:

    MIGHTY work! Love this post!

  2. Oh, I’m so glad to read this! And I have to say, also, isn’t Kelly just the best!? She always leaves me comments that stay stay stay with me. Big hug!

  3. Lindsey says:

    It makes perfect, beautiful, ineffable-beyond-words sense. Bravo. xo

  4. Snap. Click.

    Yes.

    You’re living a very deliberate life, noticing all, inwardly taking tally, and it shows.

  5. Christa says:

    Yes, it makes all the sense in the world, and it is wonderful to watch you moving so steadily, so earnestly, so hopefully along your path.

    Thank you for letting us come along…

  6. Kelly says:

    I am both inspired and overwhelmed by the profundity of what you’re doing. On the surface, it seems like a pushing for improvement — but deep down, in your soul, in your heart-gut (to borrow a phrase from Heather of the EO), it’s more of a settling into what Is, into the truth of who you already Are. You know, that person who’s been pushed down and covered up for so long that her joints pop when she slowly moves to the surface.

    Mighty indeed.

  7. Sarah says:

    Click. Nod. Yes! An emphatic yes!
    Oh how I get it, C.
    And oh! how happy I am to read these words.
    Click. Nod. Yes. Repeat…

  8. Kate says:

    I love this name. Sometimes I try to live in a too small life, my toes and arches ache, my gait is stilted. Sometimes I try to live too big, and end up hobbled with blisters. But, when I stop trying, I find myself.
    I’m trying too much these days. I needed these words today.

  9. Melissa says:

    Hooray! You’ve earned those snap-click-nods.

  10. **standing ovation** xoxo

  11. Makes total sense! Sounds like you’re coming home to yourself in a way. And I love the idea that you have been able to do this not by trying to break down a wall, but by being in the moment and reading and thinking and feeling. Kudos to you, Christine!

  12. Justine says:

    You so deserve this moment (these moments) Christine. You let us in on this journey and we see the transformation from hesitation and uncertainty to this person who is slowly blossoming into the person she wants to be, and it’s a glorious, wonderful thing. You are such an inspiration, and I’m so, so happy for you. xoxox

  13. Chantal says:

    It does make sense. And I am so happy for you!

  14. ShannonL says:

    Yes, it makes perfect sense, Christine. This is amazing. You are amazing. Yay, you! 🙂

  15. Bravo Christine! Loved reading and hearing the clarity in your voice. So happy for you.

  16. Leslie says:

    Cheers to this and you all of the glorious encouragement. Mighty it is. I like what Dana said about coming home to yourself, and my thoughts are parallel to Justine’s. Can’t get enough snap, clicks, nods and comfortable shoes – in so many ways.

  17. Celeste says:

    I remember your first post when you shared with us your depression. I remember thinking, “Christine depressed?” You have always written so beautifully and I was surprised, judging by how insightful you are, to find that you felt sort of lost.

    You have come so far and I am immensely happy for you. You are aware that you are an inspiration to me and I am grateful to be able to follow you on your journey.

    • Christine says:

      It’s people like you who have helped me along the way. Cheering from the sidelines, offering support at the times I needed it most. Really, without this community I would never have managed to come as far as I have.

  18. denise says:

    Oh. Oh oh oh sweet friend. So eloquently described, I understand it perfectly. I’ve felt the same but I’ve never described it so beautifully. “…like my soul is snapping into place”. Ahhhhh. Just glorious. So beyond happy for YOU. xoxoxoxo

  19. So glad you’re feeling good! (Have you heard that Nina Simone song, “Feeling Good”? If not, here, listen. Maybe this is what you’re going for. Though Nina’s effect is a little different than Cinderella’s. 🙂 )

  20. L. K. Below says:

    I have to say, this is the first time I’ve read your blog, Christine. But you express yourself so eloquently, I’m astounded! I’m an author, and my blog seems like a mish-mash of rambles in comparison.

  21. The Maven says:

    Wow. I so needed to read this today. So, so much. Thank you. Um, so, like, can we have coffee soon? Because I want to learn from you. I’ll even buy. Lattes on me. How can you say no? 😀

  22. This is amazing Christine. I’m so glad that your life is falling to place. Sending big hugs and smiles your way.

  23. […] believe this is true, and to be completely honest I’ve only just worked this out now. More pieces falling into place. But as perfect as this fits, I’m having trouble owning it. I need to sit with it a […]

  24. […] I now know, that I never did before, is that there is no rush. As my heart’s cadence has slowed to  a manageable rhythm, I’ve learned that there are pockets of joy in the journey, and while each step forward […]

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