This year has been so hard. Too much has changed, and yet so much has not. I’ve been spinning and spinning. I feel as though I’ve gained so little ground. To be honest I often feel as though I’ve been propelled backwards. While I’ve managed to unfold many wondrous layers, several have been equally frightening.
I’m tired. Really tired.
A special lady recently told me that my depression is actually the sanest reaction to my life. By saying so, she tossed me a lifelines that I badly needed. As much as I now recognize this to be true, it doesn’t make this any less frightening. For the first time in my life I truly feel alone, despite having so much.
I’m hanging here, suspended between two wholes of myself. I can’t seem to bridge the gap, or even root myself to one. So I wait. I muddle through and hope that somehow the seeds that I’ve sown will find what they need to grow and flourish.
I’ve decided that I need a break from here, from these words that I share and from all this inward looking. I’ve been ignoring the feeling for too long. I’ve asked others for guidance, and felt momentary enthusiasm to continue, but always come back to this. In spending so much time looking deep, in sharing myself with all of you wonderful people, I’ve lost sight of what is. I’ve gotten stuck in the feelings. Through sharing I’ve managed to isolate myself.
So I’m taking a holiday. I’m not sure for how long. I cannot express how sad it makes me feel to have to do it. This place is special to me. But I know that I must. For now.
Rest. Just be. And trust what comes.