I’m not perfect. Far from it. But I’m here today to own it. To own it in my quest to be healthy.
I’m battling depression.
There it is. The painful truth. The scary truth. Me being honest with me and and with you.
I’m writing to tell you that I know this. That my doctor knows this. That I am unwell, and I’m scared. I’m feeling guilty and lost. My life has gone all fuzzy. But here I am, 33, in a happy and loving marriage with two wonderful sons. I have a fulfilling career, supportive network of family and friends and yet, I cannot cope.
Despite the fact that I feel that I should be able to do this without it, I’m getting help. I’ve tried to do it on my own long enough. Help is coming in the form of a much needed rest from work and from many of the responsibilities in my life. Help also in the form of medication.
At the beginning of this year I set out to find myself. I said that this decade would be all about living my life. I didn’t anticipate that my life would take over and I would find myself more lost than ever before. This year has been far from perfect. I’ve faced many life challenges. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, I went back to work after my second maternity leave, we parted ways with our beloved caregiver, several close family members are struggling with serious illnesses and I’m desperately trying to manage a full-time career, long commute, and two young boys. Some of this I expected, some I did not.
Now I’m completely depleted. I have no reserves left to weather my storm. I’m sad. So very, very sad.
I plan to write myself through this. I will decide as I go how much I will share. Perhaps there will be many posts. Perhaps there won’t. I don’t know. But you’ve all been here, offering kindness and support as I navigate my winding roads. So I wanted to share. And I wanted to warn you—things will be rocky for a while.
I’m searching for my footing. I’m struggling to regain my equilibrium. I want to move forward. I won’t let this keep me down.
In her post Brené says:
Being our best selves is about cultivating the courage to be vulnerable, authentic, and imperfect. Perfectionism, on the other hand, is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s that simple. Perfection is not about healthy striving or being our best, it’s how we protect ourselves.
I’ve been protecting myself. I’ve convinced myself if I ignore how I feel and paint a pretty picture on the outside that I will get through this. But I hit the bottom. And I know now that I need help.
I’m not perfect. I am enough.
My journey to healthy starts now.