My perfect protest

I’m joining Brené Brown’s perfect protest. And the timing couldn’t be better. I’m very grateful to my friends Corinne and Lindsey for introducing me to the movement—exactly when I needed it.

I’m not perfect. Far from it. But I’m here today to own it. To own it in my quest to be healthy.

I’m battling depression.

There it is. The painful truth. The scary truth. Me being honest with me and and with you.

I’m writing to tell you that I know this. That my doctor knows this. That I am unwell, and I’m scared. I’m feeling guilty and lost. My life has gone all fuzzy. But here I am, 33, in  a happy and loving marriage with two wonderful sons. I have a fulfilling career, supportive network of family and friends and yet, I cannot cope.

Despite the fact that I feel that I should be able to do this without it, I’m getting help. I’ve tried to do it on my own long enough. Help is coming in the form of a much needed rest from work and from many of the responsibilities in my life. Help also in the form of medication.

At the beginning of this year I set out to find myself. I said that this decade would be all about living my life. I didn’t anticipate that my life would take over and I would find myself more lost than ever before. This year has been far from perfect. I’ve faced many life challenges. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, I went back to work after my second maternity leave, we parted ways with our beloved caregiver, several close family members are struggling with serious illnesses and I’m desperately trying to manage a full-time career, long commute, and two young boys. Some of this I expected, some I did not.

Now I’m completely depleted. I have no reserves left to weather my storm. I’m sad. So very, very sad.

I plan to write myself through this. I will decide as I go how much I will share. Perhaps there will be many posts. Perhaps there won’t. I don’t know. But you’ve all been here, offering kindness and support as I navigate my winding roads. So I wanted to share. And I wanted to warn you—things will be rocky for a while.

I’m searching for my footing. I’m struggling to regain my equilibrium. I want to move forward. I won’t let this keep me down.

In her post Brené says:

Being our best selves is about cultivating the courage to be vulnerable, authentic, and  imperfect. Perfectionism, on the other hand, is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s that simple. Perfection is not about healthy striving or being our best, it’s how we protect ourselves.

I’ve been protecting myself. I’ve convinced myself  if I ignore how I feel and  paint a pretty picture on the outside that I will get through this. But I hit the bottom. And I know now that I need help.

I’m not perfect. I am enough.

My journey to healthy starts now.

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71 thoughts on “My perfect protest

  1. Kameron says:

    I’m sure the release of “saying” that outloud felt amazing. Scary, no doubt, but I hope it felt freeing. You have a journey in front of you and I know you will get through it! Thanks for being brave enough to share this. Your courage is inspiring to me!

  2. Maria says:

    It is so very brave of you to admit that you are battling depression. I want to hug you right now!

    You’ve gone through a lot this past year and now that you know what you are dealing with, I hope that you are on the path to getting yourself back.

    I’m happy to see that you have so much support out there too 🙂

  3. Oh Christine I think you are so brave for putting this out there and facing this head on. The first step is accepting and findsing help and then you can work through it. And then the sun shall shine again. Please let me know if you need anything. I am here and am always up to chat or to listen or anything. HUGS!

    I too am so glad you have so much support! The more the better!

  4. Christine says:

    Thanks everyone for your kindness and support. You can’t imagine how helpful and humbling your comments have been.

  5. Christine, you are so brave and awesome to post this. I am rooting for you and so glad you’re getting help…I’m here reading, whether you want to talk about it or not, and wishing you the very best.

  6. […] not longer a secret. Last week I hit the proverbial wall. I shared the depths of my struggle and my fear moving forward with all of you here and others in […]

  7. Sherri M says:

    Thinking of you! So many of us have been where you are and are rooting for you. Here’s to sunnier days ahead!

  8. Tonya says:

    What a beautiful, honest and raw post. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. You are not alone. I love you last line the most. You are enough! Sending you lots of love and luck and good wishes. Keep writing!!

  9. Capital Mom says:

    I’m sorry Christine. I am just getting around to reading this now because I haven’t updated my Reader yet (bad me) and so I am late in joining with the others to send you my best.
    I understand. I am glad you are getting help. Help is good. The best kind of help I ever got was a good therapit.
    None of us are perfect. As an ex-perfectionist myself, nothing is as freeing as accepting imperfection.
    Hugs.

  10. denise says:

    I am so amazingly proud of you. A poignant post and so cathartic for you and your journey. Thank you for sharing your struggle as it normalizes mine. If I can help–please let me know. I’ve been there. I still go there. I am here.

  11. […] I must begin to live the breadth of my new life. The one where I struggle with depression while raising two boys, commuting and working full-time. I’m afraid. I’m not ready. […]

  12. […] on searching, both inside and out—for direction, understanding and acceptance in the wake of my depression. Though I never assumed it would be easy, I am surprised by how slowly I’m moving forward.  […]

  13. Trish says:

    You are one brave girl for living our life outloud. I found you through our friend, Lindsey. I have a family member who has battled the war you are enduring right now. There is light on the other side. Just know that this read cares about you and cheers you on each step of the way.

    Trish

  14. […] special lady recently told me that my depression is actually the sanest reaction to my life.  By saying so, she tossed me a lifelines that I badly […]

  15. […] shared it all here, the ups, the downs, the turmoil, the confessions. I made grand declarations, and was humbled by the futility of it all. Most importantly I learned […]

  16. […] of you will remember my life altering post from last fall when I declared my perfect protest. I laid myself bare, confessing my battle with depression. But I didn’t sit and wallow. I […]

  17. […] I first confessed my battle with depression, I went through the motions of letting those in my real life know. Even my closest girlfriend was […]

  18. […] fit. As that post rolled into many more over many months, several that were written from a deep fog of uncertainty and insecurity, the cliff somehow transformed into a wall, a wall that separated two parts of my self: the self I […]

  19. […] been asked to do in this round of the Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab. I decided to propel forward on my journey by continuing the work I started in The Gifts of Imperfection Dream Lab with the Dream Lab. […]

  20. […] and a mountain of  unread books balanced precariously on my nightstand. Despite my ongoing efforts to get well and because of my efforts to unlock deep and rich parts of myself, wading tenaciously through the […]

  21. […] It has been a year. Three hundred and sixty-five long and yet intensely spiritual days since I first admitted publicly, and more importantly to myself, that I was drowning from depression. […]

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