Completely, Desperately, Forever

There is something I need to write about.
But it’s not my story to share.
It’s so very frustrating.
Though it’s not my story, it affects me.
Completely.
It has shaped my world in terrible, unhappy ways.
It has caused so much confusion, sadness, anger, frustration and fear.
The emotions are wild, with cause.
It will never go away.
It comes just when it’s most unwelcome.
When things are already in such a mess.
When life is running in too many directions.
There is goodness happening.
There is worry happening.
It’s unsettling. 
I don’t have what I need to cope.
The anger I feel because of it is swelling inside of me.
The fear that I feel because of it is unbearable.

I think things I never would have imagined I could.
I  want it to go away.
Desperately.
It was never welcome in the first place.
Honestly, I don’t think it’s fair.
I am so angry.
I have so much to say about it.
So much I need to get out.
It’s not my story to share, but it affects me.
Forever.
And I know there are others.
Sadly, so many others.

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25 thoughts on “Completely, Desperately, Forever

  1. Theta Mom says:

    You ALWAYS write with such honesty and pure emotion – I wish you could share more of this story that you know you can't – since it clearly affects you. Perhaps writing it in this way will help you in the process…

  2. Kristi says:

    wow, very powerful, although i'm curious for details, I like the vagueness, I can so apply to my own world in various areas…thank-you for the post

  3. Justine says:

    Hugs my friend. I don't feel it's my place to ask – at least not in this forum – so I offer you what has been said to me once that brought me the peace I needed: This too shall pass.I'm sorry you're going through this, but please know that, for what it's worth, there are many of us here who care about you…

  4. @WannabeMomErin says:

    Have you considered writing about it, and then posting it somewhere that you never frequent under a pseudonym, thus avoiding the whole "It's not my story to tell" issue?I mean, if you NEED to write about it to explore it, and possibly to drive it out of your mind – or at least out of the forefront of your mind – maybe that would be a potential outlet for you. Like maybe a support group forum or something, if you need feedback and/or discussion. Maybe this is the world's worst idea, but I figured I'd throw it out there.

  5. ShannonL says:

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. But if it affects you this much, it *is* your story. At least your own side of it. If you're comfortable writing about it, that is completely understandable, but I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who would relate. Even your words above are relatable (is that a word?). As always, another honest, raw, emotional post. I love it. You are awesome. HUGS!

  6. Rudri says:

    Christine: So raw and so honest – a true reflection of your writing style. I hope that you find the strength and support you need to get through whatever it is that is causing you so much angst. Please know that we are here for you.

  7. Kelly says:

    I *feel* this. Accutely. Thank you for putting into words something that keeps festering beneath my skin.

  8. Allison @ Alli 'n Son says:

    Oh Hun, I wish I could give you a hug in person. I can feel your pain and sadness. I'm always, always just an email away. Or a tweet away. Or a Facebook message away. Please don't hesitate to contact me.

  9. Allison @ Alli 'n Son says:

    Oh Hun, I wish I could give you a hug in person. I can feel your pain and sadness. I'm always, always just an email away. Or a tweet away. Or a Facebook message away. Please don't hesitate to contact me.

  10. Allison @ Alli 'n Son says:

    Oh Hun, I wish I could give you a hug in person. I can feel your pain and sadness. I'm always, always just an email away. Or a tweet away. Or a Facebook message away. Please don't hesitate to contact me.

  11. Allison @ Alli 'n Son says:

    Oh Hun, I wish I could give you a hug in person. I can feel your pain and sadness. I'm always, always just an email away. Or a tweet away. Or a Facebook message away. Please don't hesitate to contact me.

  12. Jen says:

    I agree with WannabeMomErin that perhaps writing what you need to feel, say, WRITE and then tucking it away someplace, might help. (Or you could, say, publish it someplace else, if you think that would help, too.) No matter what, though, you have lots of friends out here in this world who are ready and willing to lend a hand or an ear or whatever you need.

  13. IASoupMama says:

    Many, many hugs. Sometimes a story transcends the teller, becomes an allegory… Perhaps this story needs to be told as a warning, a lesson, a truth for others to hear.

  14. Pam says:

    Oh dear! I can sense your anguish and I wish there was a way for you to release it. Perhaps writing it in a private journal as a way to get it out and digest your thoughts would be helpful to you. Take care, my friend.

  15. Maggie S says:

    I just think we must all have one of these inside us whether we can admit it or tell it or not.

  16. Aging Mommy says:

    Christine I read this and thought "oh no!" You have been writing so positively about all the changes you are making in your life and how you feel you are on the right road and now this. I appreciate if this is someone else's story that you cannot give us details but am so sorry to hear about this.

  17. Alex@LateEnough says:

    figuring out whose story is whose is one of the harder things about blogginghugs my friend

  18. Kate says:

    Powerful words. I hope they bring some of what you need. Sometimes the stories we are 'only' impacted by, but not authors of are the hardest to deal with.

  19. Belinda Munoz + The Halfway Point says:

    Christine, as I read this, I wondered when someone else's story stays someone else's story if it affects me so completely. Does it not become a shared story? Why does the boundary need to remain where it is? I've asked these same questions of myself before. I don't know the right or wrong answers. All I know is there are experiences we empathize with on a universal level. And in awkward and unconventional ways, we're connected through these stories, archetypal or unique. (At least this is how I believe humanity should work.)

  20. Brittany at Mommy Words says:

    Oh Christine I wish I could help take away the pain and the fear. I know too well the burden of stories that are not ours but cause us deep suffewring. Know that I will give you my best hug at BlogHer and you are more than welcome to talk to me if you need to and it will never leave my mouth. I know it sometimes helps to write and so, I agree that you might write it and hide it away somewhere. Hugs Mama!

  21. evaevolving says:

    What a storm of emotions – what a difficult thing, to be feeling this so intensely, but not be able to do anything about it.You say "I don't have what I need to cope." But I believe you do – you have the capacity to figure it out. Even if you can't fix the problem, you are intelligent and reflective and so resourceful. You can handle it.Sending hugs your way…

  22. BigLittleWolf says:

    Sometimes there are things we cannot share, because they aren't ours to share. Or because doing so will cause hurt, or collateral damage. It's beyond frustrating. So those words go into private journals, or stew.So in the hope you put your words where they will help you process but cause no harm, know that we understand there are times like this. Frustrations like this. Anger like this. And coping, however we can.

  23. Stacia says:

    Oh, Christine! I'm so sorry to hear there is worry and anger happening. You mention there is goodness, too, and I hope more of that comes your way in the following days, weeks, months. I hope you'll keep us posted, in whatever way you can. Sending positive thoughts your way …

  24. Capital Mom says:

    That is a lot of our lives. Stories that aren't ours but affect us, determine us, direct us. Find out what part of it is yours and work on that. That's what I have tried to do anyway.

  25. Denise says:

    Powerful. And hoping the honesty of your words helped to at least curb your pain, just a bit. And hoping, actually, that maybe writing did even more than that. xoxoxoxoxo

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