Radiating

There are those who would argue that change comes slowly. In most cases, I can see how this would be true. People can be fearful of change, reluctant to take the steps necessary to improve their outlook, to alter their lives, to find meaning, to reach happiness.

For me, the change is coming fast and furious. There is a current running through me that leaves me breathless and almost overwhelmed. The feeling is so intense I often feel like crying. The tears lurking at the threshold are ones of joy, but also of confusion and uncertainty. Just last week I wrote about how unsure I am of these feelings. How I’m struggling to understand where they come from, while all the while revelling in the clarity they bring. The clarity is not one of knowing or filled with understanding for why I’m discovering these parts of myself. It’s simply a clarity of mind that is opening up my thoughts, my soul to the nourishment of possibility.

I am changing and I almost can’t keep up. I am changing and fast. My heart literally races in anticipation.

The intensity of this change makes me wonder about the place where I was only a short time ago. There was a darkness. One that covered me in a heavy cloak. A cloak that left me sitting on the floor sobbing on many occasions. A cloak I was desperate to shed, but struggled to uncover. It was taking over so much of me, depriving me of light and joy, and happiness. I stood on a cliff and almost fell over. I felt it. I was toppling into a place that I’m not sure I would have easily come out of. What was that place? Where did that intensity of emotion come from?

That place was so deep, so dark, so all encompassing that I sought help. In seeking my help I discovered that I harbour two essential parts of myself that tend to live in constant disagreement.

My rational self: That which is practical, responsible, driven, but most importantly in control. And my emotional self: That which is intense, loving, sentimental, spiritual and nurturing.

After the death of my mother, my rational self took over, it protected me, provided the coping mechanisms I needed to move forward and become who I am today. It was fundamental to my survival. My rational was there for me when I needed it. But I needed it too young and never understood how it controlled me. And though at different points in my life I have found opportunities to honour and cultivate the emotional part of myself, it has gone largely ignored. I haven’t allowed it the presence it needs in my life. I haven’t given it the power to keep my rational in check.

Just last night a dear friend shared this quote with me:

You don’t need to accumulate knowledge to become wise, anyone can become wise. When you become wise, you respect your body, you respect your mind, and you respect your soul.When you become wise, your life is controlled by your heart, not your head.

don Miguel Ruiz – The Mastery of Love Cards

When she shared it, this post was already starting to brew in my mind. It fit so perfectly, it was almost the key I needed to unlock the last piece of the puzzle. It all clicked.

In writing, and reading, and exploring myself, I have, for the first time, allowed my life to be controlled by my heart. I’ve been, in the words of Lindsay Mead Russell, excavating my soul and my soul is positively radiant from it.

There have been several factors that have had a formidable influence on my thinking. Writers for example. Writers like Christine Carter and her book Raising Happiness, Karen Maezen Miller and Hand Wash Cold, and now Dani Shapiro and Devotion (more on this in a future post).

And there have been bloggers, bloggers like Lindsay at A Design so Vast, and Sarah and Jen at Momalom, and Sarah at sarahcasm, and Kristen at Motherese, and Jana at An Attitude Adjustment, Becca at Drama for Mama, and Belinda at The Halfway Point and so very many others who have given me the courage to share all of this here. The courage to be willing to go there.

There is my therapist who has drawn out parts of me that I had no idea existed. Parts that still require further exploration, but that now I am ready to understand.

And then there is me and my husband, and the strength and support that I get from our friendship, our love and the support that this man so freely gives.

All of this reading, connecting, learning, discovering has played a vital role in helping me to unlock this part of myself, allowing it to breathe. It has opened up the opportunity for parts of myself to unfold, to stretch and feel alive. The thinking, reflecting, relating, and understanding are freeing my emotional side. This part of me that was so deep in my core, so intensely afraid of releasing itself, so afraid of a loss of control.

But in unlocking this part, I’m finding the real me. And I like what I’m finding. But even more than that I’m radiating with the excitement of what else there is to discover.

I’m RADIATING.

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36 thoughts on “Radiating

  1. melissa says:

    Wow, what a neat discovery about yourself! Good for you, being brave enough to delve into it. And thank goodness for wonderful support systems. I wonder: are you finding that the two halves of your self can work together in more harmony, now that you've made the change to this newer, more heart-led approach? Or does the rational side offer different wisdom, as you've realigned your internal priorities?

  2. Lindsey says:

    Christine,This is so powerful. It's an honor and an inspiration to read your honest account of your journey, which seems to be both a journey inward (excavating) and outward (radiance). I'm humbled to be participating in this process, and am learning so much from reading your words. Thank you for that.

  3. Christy says:

    Wow – what a beautiful post! How wonderful it is to be finding your true self and loving it. I'd love to talk to you at some point about how you started this journey. I am struggling with the same thing – going through each day and doing what I'm supposed to, but not really living, you know? I need to take the journey that you have started to find out the real me and true happiness. I want to radiate!So happy you are feeling this excitment!!

  4. Becca says:

    This is so beautifully written Christine. And I must admit I'm a bit envious of all of these wonderful, life altering changes you're experiencing. It truly is amazing.

  5. Alisha says:

    Please continue to enjoy the journey. It's an amazing experience.

  6. Loukia says:

    I think you're a great writer and blogger and I just want to say that I appreciate all the things you write here. I agree, too that change is not slow paced; for me, I've noticed, it's fast and sometimes very unwelcomed!

  7. Square-Peg Karen says:

    Your banner is gorgeous and this post ROCKS!For different reasons I had that emotional/rational split going myself – and I SO resonate with the excavating and radiating! Love the spirit of discover and joy that you're swimming in!

  8. ShannonL says:

    Christine, you are amazing. A truly amazing person. I am so happy for you and this journey you're taking to find and be happy with the real you. It really is a fast journey, too! Your words are amazing. How you are able to so clearly and eloquently describe your inner feelings is incredible. I am proud of you for seeking help. For doing what you had to to uncover some parts of you that needed to come out. I definitely use my rational side too much… I have actually been thinking of trying therapy to talk about some of the things that I'm been hiding and pushing down for so long. Thank you, my friend, for sharing this us.

  9. Allison @ Alli 'n Son says:

    Good for you! I'm so happy to see you coming into yourself. It's an amazing discovering and journey. I'm so glad that you are sharing this with us, it's very inspiring.

  10. Allison @ Alli 'n Son says:

    Good for you! I'm so happy to see you coming into yourself. It's an amazing discovering and journey. I'm so glad that you are sharing this with us, it's very inspiring.

  11. Allison @ Alli 'n Son says:

    Good for you! I'm so happy to see you coming into yourself. It's an amazing discovering and journey. I'm so glad that you are sharing this with us, it's very inspiring.

  12. Allison @ Alli 'n Son says:

    Good for you! I'm so happy to see you coming into yourself. It's an amazing discovering and journey. I'm so glad that you are sharing this with us, it's very inspiring.

  13. Justine says:

    I love that we get to witness this transformation. I feel honored that you are sharing this journey to yourself with us because it is an inspiration for us all. To live and love with our heart, to open up, to take that first step of self-discovery and to find that person within. A truly remarkable feat, Christine, and I am warmed by your radiance from all the way here. I hope you will feel my hugs to you from all the way there.

  14. NotJustAnotherJen says:

    Christine, what a wonderful journey you are on. Congratulations on finding your way through the dark and into the light. Keep going! Those tears are making room for more joy. Just keep breathing, affirming the good, and tell yourself that you're going to be okay…hell, better thank ok you're going to continue to grow and radiate! BIG HUGS and cheers to you!

  15. Celeste says:

    Oh, Christine, how I get this. I feel like I am on a similar journey (although maybe not quite as far along as you are, as if there is an actual measurable distance). I didn't lose my mother, but I grew up in such a way that for a long time I ignored my emotional self as it was necessary and effective. But now I am unlocking this other part of myself and it feels good. I must say that your radiating is evident. I see it in your posts, your comments to others, even your tweets. Your sweet nature and genuine concern for others is undeniable. I'm so happy for you!

  16. Sarah says:

    Good for you, Christine! Good for you for writing this post, for surrendering yourself to your journey, for allowing yourself to radiate, and for sharing it all with us.How much you have changed in a few short months is staggering! And beautiful.I am happy to be with you on your journey – sharing it with you and supporting you when I can. Thanks so much for acknowledging me – I appreciate it so much.

  17. Capital Mom says:

    We will keep watching for your glow.

  18. Jana@Attitude Adjustment says:

    Wow, what a great post, Christine! I'm glad that my blog has helped you, because yours (and you!) have helped me, too. I feel like we are so on the same page, it's crazy. It's amazing and rewarding to see that we can live so far from each other, but be going through so many of the same issues, the same fears and concerns. I will continue to look forward to your transformation and radiance as I develop my own.

  19. ck says:

    It's so inspiring to read these posts. To follow your journey to self-discovery and to smile at how much you're loving the person you are. Awesome!

  20. Belinda Munoz + The Halfway Point says:

    Oh, Christine, I am beyond moved reading your words today. It is truly beautiful to witness this transformation that you're going through. I get this thinking/feeling push/pull. This is the part where we pretend we're unaffected when we're really raging with emotions inside. The part when we hide our softness, our hurts, our fears with layers of denial. It's all so exhausting. I'm so happy you're giving your heart a chance to sing. Thank you for your courage and generosity to share. It truly is heart-warming. Hugs to you.

  21. Aging Mommy says:

    What an inspiring post Christine and also so very brave, to share with us all your journey and where you have come from under a cloak of darkness. It is good, coming from a similar place, for me to be able to talk and relate to someone as lovely as you who is also coming into the light.I absoutely love the quote you have shared here which is something to always remember.

  22. Kristen @ Motherese says:

    "Radiating." What an amazing sensation and what a perfect word. It continues to be an honor and a delight to get to know you. Your kindness, generosity of spirit, and self-reflection are models for me as I walk down many of the same roads. I feel so lucky to know you and to have the chance to meet you in person later this summer. (The only question is if I will be able to bring myself to stop hugging you.) 🙂

  23. Brittany at Mommy Words says:

    Wow I am so glad your journey has brought you to such an amazing place and that you have found such healing and inspiration in writing and in this online world of friends and confidants. It really is amazing the connections we have all made. This was beautifully written babe. I feel privileged to have the opportunity to read about your journey!

  24. Rudri says:

    Christine, Radiating is certainly a good place to be. I admire your journey and your willingness to share your experience with others. I learn so much from your journey. You have an elegance in your prose and your posts are so deep and full of self-reflection. I hope the glow continues. If you find the secret on how to maintain the glow, you will tell us, won't you?

  25. Hyacynth says:

    I'm so glad you shared this because so often I think that being emotionalis portrayed in a negative way. Like someone is weak when they display emotion or allow themselves to feel life instead of rationalizing it away. But it's quite the opposite when emotions are embraced and understood for what they are. It actually takes a strong person to feel the full gamut of emotions. A really strong person. So well expressed. Glad I'm here.

  26. Kate says:

    You certainly are! Radiating positive change, radiating openness of mind. And I appreciate it deeply. Thank you!

  27. evaevolving says:

    You're radiant, and you're spreading the glow to all of us!This combination of two sides, the rational and the emotional, seems like a great description of our psychology. Very simple, yet logical. I'm afraid our society does too much to value and encourage the rational, which inherently leaves the emotional by the wayside. But we need both to be productive, functioning, happy, whole human beings.

  28. Kelly says:

    You totally are. I can see it, we all can see it, and there's so much joy just in basking in your glow.don Miguel Ruiz is one of my mentors. The Four Agreements changed my life. I love that you quoted him.

  29. Sarah says:

    Radiating. I adore the feeling this invokes. Radiating. Glowing. Vibrating with light and love and sensation.Bravo.

  30. Boy Crazy says:

    Beautiful.

  31. j says:

    …loving this post! thanks for sharing the quote. and the motherhood post… dear and true.

  32. Chantal says:

    Such a powerful post Christine. You know, when I see you in person, so really do radiate! I am so interested in this journey you are taking. Thank you for sharing!

  33. Some kind of Wondermom says:

    Thanks for sharing, I'm amazed at how honest and open your writing is.

  34. […] did I get here? Only a couple of months ago, I was radiating. But here I am again. It snuck up on me and I feel as though I have more swimming to do than ever […]

  35. […] little background. A few months ago I wrote about how well I was doing. I was radiating. I felt like I had unlocked parts of myself that were allowing me to stretch and feel alive, to […]

  36. […] shared it all here, the ups, the downs, the turmoil, the confessions. I made grand declarations, and was humbled by the futility […]

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