When I was a younger woman I was a much more confident woman. My youth afforded me a certain innocence that empowered me to be bold about my beliefs, to be forthright and to speak openly and from the heart. If I felt strongly about an issue, I was never afraid to stand behind the strength of my convictions. I was a newshound, a political junky. I was conscious of the world around me. I could argue endlessly with people, sometimes based on knowledge, but mostly just because I believed in something.
When I think back, I remember it as a powerful feeling. I was never afraid to just speak. I never worried about what others thought because I was so sure of myself. I was brave. Somewhere along the line I lost that. I don’t know why or when, I just know that I am not that person anymore.
The thing is, until recently, I wasn’t even aware that I had lost this core part of myself. It was so lost, I didn’t even miss it. Twitter, various blogs and other social media that I follow and read have reminded me what it is to have passion. I’ve read countless accounts from people who feel strongly about an issue, felt their conviction and been moved by it. I’ve seen people bring life to issues of the heart, about life, society, our country, and the world. I’ve been in awe of the confidence of others, how bravely they stand behind what is important to them. Slowly, I’ve been reminded that I too was once like that. So strange, it has been like a light bulb inside of me, burning dully but growing brighter each day. An awakening that inspires me to find that part of myself once again.
I can speculate on why I’ve been enveloped into a cocoon. Certainly pregnancy and the birth of my two sons has played a significant part. Babies I believe can render us numb to the outside world. They need so completely that it’s difficult to separate ourselves, to step outside their basic needs and live in the world. I know I’ve often felt there was nothing left of me to give beyond mothering my children. Still, this is mostly true. There is simply so little time left to be passionate for anything else.
But, I also think I’ve moved to a safe place. I’ve become more hesitant about exposing my passion for fear of ridicule, of being wrong, of not being liked. It’s absurd really, and yet it’s true. While I should have become more confident as I’ve grown older, in fact, quite the opposite is true. I am afraid to put myself out there. I worry that what I have to say is of little value. I’m weak for fear of criticism. Even as I write this post, I can feel myself worrying what others will think. Is what I’m writing worthy to be read? Are people really interested? Am I smart enough? Do I make sense? Will people be interested or will they never come to read again?
A wise woman recently said to me. You need to learn to live more from your heart and less from your mind. In doing that you will find your centre and feel stronger in your life. How profound, complex and significant. Yes, that is the woman I want to be!
There is much I must do and learn on my quest to find myself in my 30’s. I believe though, that the most fundamental missing part is a piece I once possessed and somehow lost along the way. My confidence.
I’m moving forward with a goal of re-familiarizing myself with the things that once fueled my passion. I want to live in a world that I know. I want to feel passionate about things once again. I’m excited and scared. I can’t wait to find that woman I was once again. She was one brave lady!
Tell me about how you fuel your passion? Do you step out of your shell and stand firm in the strength of your convictions? Are you afraid to speak what you believe for fear that you will be judged or do you say, who cares what others think? Do you feel you’ve lot yourself in the journey that is motherhood or even just as you’ve lived your life?