Strength of my convictions

When I was a younger woman I was a much more confident woman. My youth afforded me a certain innocence that empowered me to be bold about my beliefs, to be forthright and to speak openly and from the heart. If I felt strongly about an issue, I was never afraid to stand behind the strength of my convictions. I was a newshound, a political junky. I was conscious of the world around me. I could argue endlessly with people, sometimes based on knowledge, but mostly just because I believed in something.

When I think back, I remember it as a powerful feeling. I was never afraid to just speak. I never worried about what others thought because I was so sure of myself. I was brave. Somewhere along the line I lost that. I don’t know why or when, I just know that I am not that person anymore.

The thing is, until recently, I wasn’t even aware that I had lost this core part of myself. It was so lost, I didn’t even miss it. Twitter, various blogs and other social media that I follow and read have reminded me what it is to have passion. I’ve read countless accounts from people who feel strongly about an issue, felt their conviction and been moved by it. I’ve seen people bring life to issues of the heart, about life, society, our country, and the world. I’ve been in awe of the confidence of others, how bravely they stand behind what is important to them. Slowly, I’ve been reminded that I too was once like that. So strange, it has been like a light bulb inside of me, burning dully but growing brighter each day. An awakening that inspires me to find that part of myself once again.

I can speculate on why I’ve been enveloped into a cocoon. Certainly pregnancy and the birth of my two sons has played a significant part. Babies I believe can render us numb to the outside world. They need  so completely that it’s difficult to separate ourselves, to step outside their basic needs and live in the world. I know I’ve often felt there was nothing left of me to give beyond mothering my children. Still, this is mostly true. There is simply so little time left to be passionate for anything else.

But, I also think I’ve moved to a safe place. I’ve become more hesitant about exposing my passion for fear of ridicule, of being wrong, of not being liked. It’s absurd really, and yet it’s true. While I should have become more confident as I’ve grown older, in fact, quite the opposite is true. I am afraid to put myself out there. I worry that what I have to say is of little value. I’m weak for fear of criticism. Even as I write this post, I can feel myself worrying what others will think. Is what I’m writing worthy to be read? Are people really interested? Am I smart enough? Do I make sense? Will people be interested or will they never come to read again?

A wise woman recently said to me. You need to learn to live more from your heart and less from your mind. In doing that you will find your centre and feel stronger in your life. How profound, complex and  significant. Yes, that is the woman I want to be!

 There is much I must do and learn on my quest to find myself in my 30’s. I believe though, that the most fundamental missing part is a piece I once possessed and somehow lost along the way. My confidence.
I’m moving forward with a goal of re-familiarizing myself with the things that once fueled my passion. I want to live in a world that I know. I want to feel passionate about things once again. I’m excited and scared. I can’t wait to find that woman I was once again. She was one brave lady!

Tell me about how you fuel your passion? Do you step out of your shell and stand firm in the strength of your convictions? Are you afraid to speak what you believe for fear that you will be judged or do you say, who cares what others think? Do you feel you’ve lot yourself in the journey that is motherhood or even just as you’ve lived your life?

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45 thoughts on “Strength of my convictions

  1. Sarah says:

    What a great post! As I was reading it, I was thinking that it is one of the best you've written since I've started reading!I am a passionate person – convicted to a fault, sometimes. My whole life I have been hyper-sensitive to injustice and have felt free to voice my opinions about it.Ignorance fuels my passion as does my naive desire to make the world a better place for my son.Generally, I have believed that silence is permission, which has compelled me to call people out on their ignorance. I have relaxed with that recently because I realize that not all battles need to be fought.Having said that, I rarely engage ignorance online, especially Twitter. People hide on the internet and trolls are looking for reaction, which I don't like to give them.I care what others think to a degree, but not enough to protect ignorance and inequity with my silence.

  2. Sarah says:

    What a great post! As I was reading it, I was thinking that it is one of the best you've written since I've started reading!I am a passionate person – convicted to a fault, sometimes. My whole life I have been hyper-sensitive to injustice and have felt free to voice my opinions about it.Ignorance fuels my passion as does my naive desire to make the world a better place for my son.Generally, I have believed that silence is permission, which has compelled me to call people out on their ignorance. I have relaxed with that recently because I realize that not all battles need to be fought.Having said that, I rarely engage ignorance online, especially Twitter. People hide on the internet and trolls are looking for reaction, which I don't like to give them.I care what others think to a degree, but not enough to protect ignorance and inequity with my silence.

  3. Sarah says:

    What a great post! As I was reading it, I was thinking that it is one of the best you've written since I've started reading!I am a passionate person – convicted to a fault, sometimes. My whole life I have been hyper-sensitive to injustice and have felt free to voice my opinions about it.Ignorance fuels my passion as does my naive desire to make the world a better place for my son.Generally, I have believed that silence is permission, which has compelled me to call people out on their ignorance. I have relaxed with that recently because I realize that not all battles need to be fought.Having said that, I rarely engage ignorance online, especially Twitter. People hide on the internet and trolls are looking for reaction, which I don't like to give them.I care what others think to a degree, but not enough to protect ignorance and inequity with my silence.

  4. Sarah says:

    What a great post! As I was reading it, I was thinking that it is one of the best you've written since I've started reading!I am a passionate person – convicted to a fault, sometimes. My whole life I have been hyper-sensitive to injustice and have felt free to voice my opinions about it.Ignorance fuels my passion as does my naive desire to make the world a better place for my son.Generally, I have believed that silence is permission, which has compelled me to call people out on their ignorance. I have relaxed with that recently because I realize that not all battles need to be fought.Having said that, I rarely engage ignorance online, especially Twitter. People hide on the internet and trolls are looking for reaction, which I don't like to give them.I care what others think to a degree, but not enough to protect ignorance and inequity with my silence.

  5. Rebecca says:

    It's so great that you are able to recognize a path that you want/need to take. Love the way you write about it.It's funny how you talk about your confidence when you were younger – I am the opposite.While I could bluff confidence with the best of them, I was actually quite insecure. I got some leaving my teens into my twenties and now that I've left my twenties I finally feel I know who I am, what I am passionate about and what I love – even about me.I don't think motherhood has stifled my passions, only enhanced them. Seeing the world through innocent eyes is passionate. I also count the many blessings I have – family, friends, health and the knowledge to enjoy it in the now.Looking forward to chatting more about our journies! 😉

  6. Rebecca says:

    It's so great that you are able to recognize a path that you want/need to take. Love the way you write about it.It's funny how you talk about your confidence when you were younger – I am the opposite.While I could bluff confidence with the best of them, I was actually quite insecure. I got some leaving my teens into my twenties and now that I've left my twenties I finally feel I know who I am, what I am passionate about and what I love – even about me.I don't think motherhood has stifled my passions, only enhanced them. Seeing the world through innocent eyes is passionate. I also count the many blessings I have – family, friends, health and the knowledge to enjoy it in the now.Looking forward to chatting more about our journies! 😉

  7. Rebecca says:

    It's so great that you are able to recognize a path that you want/need to take. Love the way you write about it.It's funny how you talk about your confidence when you were younger – I am the opposite.While I could bluff confidence with the best of them, I was actually quite insecure. I got some leaving my teens into my twenties and now that I've left my twenties I finally feel I know who I am, what I am passionate about and what I love – even about me.I don't think motherhood has stifled my passions, only enhanced them. Seeing the world through innocent eyes is passionate. I also count the many blessings I have – family, friends, health and the knowledge to enjoy it in the now.Looking forward to chatting more about our journies! 😉

  8. Rebecca says:

    It's so great that you are able to recognize a path that you want/need to take. Love the way you write about it.It's funny how you talk about your confidence when you were younger – I am the opposite.While I could bluff confidence with the best of them, I was actually quite insecure. I got some leaving my teens into my twenties and now that I've left my twenties I finally feel I know who I am, what I am passionate about and what I love – even about me.I don't think motherhood has stifled my passions, only enhanced them. Seeing the world through innocent eyes is passionate. I also count the many blessings I have – family, friends, health and the knowledge to enjoy it in the now.Looking forward to chatting more about our journies! 😉

  9. Kristen @ Motherese says:

    What a thoughtful post. You know, sometimes I think that, with age, I too have become less confident. And I think you're onto something when you suggest that there's a connection between naivete and a more secure sense of self. I think about how bold and blind my opinions were, how sure I was that I was right. Now I think I know myself better, but I also know the world better – so it's hard to feel that same confidence I did when my sense of self was still forming. (Sorry for the inchoate thoughts this evening. Tired mommy.)

  10. Kristen @ Motherese says:

    What a thoughtful post. You know, sometimes I think that, with age, I too have become less confident. And I think you're onto something when you suggest that there's a connection between naivete and a more secure sense of self. I think about how bold and blind my opinions were, how sure I was that I was right. Now I think I know myself better, but I also know the world better – so it's hard to feel that same confidence I did when my sense of self was still forming. (Sorry for the inchoate thoughts this evening. Tired mommy.)

  11. Kristen @ Motherese says:

    What a thoughtful post. You know, sometimes I think that, with age, I too have become less confident. And I think you're onto something when you suggest that there's a connection between naivete and a more secure sense of self. I think about how bold and blind my opinions were, how sure I was that I was right. Now I think I know myself better, but I also know the world better – so it's hard to feel that same confidence I did when my sense of self was still forming. (Sorry for the inchoate thoughts this evening. Tired mommy.)

  12. Kristen @ Motherese says:

    What a thoughtful post. You know, sometimes I think that, with age, I too have become less confident. And I think you're onto something when you suggest that there's a connection between naivete and a more secure sense of self. I think about how bold and blind my opinions were, how sure I was that I was right. Now I think I know myself better, but I also know the world better – so it's hard to feel that same confidence I did when my sense of self was still forming. (Sorry for the inchoate thoughts this evening. Tired mommy.)

  13. Charlotte says:

    I have been thinking about this same thing! It has been very hard for me to express my opinions except to those people closest to me. I have tried to be better, but I find, like you, that my sense of my rightness has diminished as I gain experience and learn that the world isn't as black and white as I once thought.But I try to remember that I make the decisions I do for thought out reasons, I shouldn't be ashamed to share why and how I view the world the way I do.

  14. Charlotte says:

    I have been thinking about this same thing! It has been very hard for me to express my opinions except to those people closest to me. I have tried to be better, but I find, like you, that my sense of my rightness has diminished as I gain experience and learn that the world isn't as black and white as I once thought.But I try to remember that I make the decisions I do for thought out reasons, I shouldn't be ashamed to share why and how I view the world the way I do.

  15. Charlotte says:

    I have been thinking about this same thing! It has been very hard for me to express my opinions except to those people closest to me. I have tried to be better, but I find, like you, that my sense of my rightness has diminished as I gain experience and learn that the world isn't as black and white as I once thought.But I try to remember that I make the decisions I do for thought out reasons, I shouldn't be ashamed to share why and how I view the world the way I do.

  16. Charlotte says:

    I have been thinking about this same thing! It has been very hard for me to express my opinions except to those people closest to me. I have tried to be better, but I find, like you, that my sense of my rightness has diminished as I gain experience and learn that the world isn't as black and white as I once thought.But I try to remember that I make the decisions I do for thought out reasons, I shouldn't be ashamed to share why and how I view the world the way I do.

  17. Christine says:

    The most amazing thing I've discovered through blogging are the connections I've made with other like-minded women. I find it so reassuring and comforting to see that others think the same as me. Somehow it makes it easier to cope. It's absolutely true that my sense of "rightness" has diminished, what a good way to put it. Krisen,"bold and blind" is the most perfect way to describe the confidence of my youth.

  18. Christine says:

    The most amazing thing I've discovered through blogging are the connections I've made with other like-minded women. I find it so reassuring and comforting to see that others think the same as me. Somehow it makes it easier to cope. It's absolutely true that my sense of "rightness" has diminished, what a good way to put it. Krisen,"bold and blind" is the most perfect way to describe the confidence of my youth.

  19. Christine says:

    The most amazing thing I've discovered through blogging are the connections I've made with other like-minded women. I find it so reassuring and comforting to see that others think the same as me. Somehow it makes it easier to cope. It's absolutely true that my sense of "rightness" has diminished, what a good way to put it. Krisen,"bold and blind" is the most perfect way to describe the confidence of my youth.

  20. Christine says:

    The most amazing thing I've discovered through blogging are the connections I've made with other like-minded women. I find it so reassuring and comforting to see that others think the same as me. Somehow it makes it easier to cope. It's absolutely true that my sense of "rightness" has diminished, what a good way to put it. Krisen,"bold and blind" is the most perfect way to describe the confidence of my youth.

  21. Christy says:

    Christine – I could have written this post myself (although it wouldn't' have been written 1/100th as well as yours). I was so much more confident when I was younger, maybe I was just ignorant in thinking that people wouldn't disagree with me. Maybe now I know more what other people think, because of the many different avenues in which they can express their thoughts. I often ask myself the same questions – do people care what I have to say? Am I smart enough to say this? Will people laugh at me? I do believe that I've found such a great group of people to converse with that we all respect each other's opinion and I don't look down, or laugh, or ridicule people for their thoughts, in fact I welcome hearing so many different ideas and opinions!I'm undergoing much of the same "trying to find myself in my 30s" and I'm anxious to see where it brings me, and you!

  22. Christy says:

    Christine – I could have written this post myself (although it wouldn't' have been written 1/100th as well as yours). I was so much more confident when I was younger, maybe I was just ignorant in thinking that people wouldn't disagree with me. Maybe now I know more what other people think, because of the many different avenues in which they can express their thoughts. I often ask myself the same questions – do people care what I have to say? Am I smart enough to say this? Will people laugh at me? I do believe that I've found such a great group of people to converse with that we all respect each other's opinion and I don't look down, or laugh, or ridicule people for their thoughts, in fact I welcome hearing so many different ideas and opinions!I'm undergoing much of the same "trying to find myself in my 30s" and I'm anxious to see where it brings me, and you!

  23. Christy says:

    Christine – I could have written this post myself (although it wouldn't' have been written 1/100th as well as yours). I was so much more confident when I was younger, maybe I was just ignorant in thinking that people wouldn't disagree with me. Maybe now I know more what other people think, because of the many different avenues in which they can express their thoughts. I often ask myself the same questions – do people care what I have to say? Am I smart enough to say this? Will people laugh at me? I do believe that I've found such a great group of people to converse with that we all respect each other's opinion and I don't look down, or laugh, or ridicule people for their thoughts, in fact I welcome hearing so many different ideas and opinions!I'm undergoing much of the same "trying to find myself in my 30s" and I'm anxious to see where it brings me, and you!

  24. Christy says:

    Christine – I could have written this post myself (although it wouldn't' have been written 1/100th as well as yours). I was so much more confident when I was younger, maybe I was just ignorant in thinking that people wouldn't disagree with me. Maybe now I know more what other people think, because of the many different avenues in which they can express their thoughts. I often ask myself the same questions – do people care what I have to say? Am I smart enough to say this? Will people laugh at me? I do believe that I've found such a great group of people to converse with that we all respect each other's opinion and I don't look down, or laugh, or ridicule people for their thoughts, in fact I welcome hearing so many different ideas and opinions!I'm undergoing much of the same "trying to find myself in my 30s" and I'm anxious to see where it brings me, and you!

  25. Loukia says:

    I too love the connections that we've made through blogging – it's a wonderful thing, isn't it? And I know I used to be a lot more opinionated before I became a mom. I loved arguing and discussing things with other people, and I'd get really worked up about things like politics, etc. But that has died down somewhat since I had children… I guess I just kind of realized there was more to life than having such strong opinions… I don't know… not that there is anything wrong with being opinionated!!! But it put things in perspective for me… hope this makes sense!

  26. Loukia says:

    I too love the connections that we've made through blogging – it's a wonderful thing, isn't it? And I know I used to be a lot more opinionated before I became a mom. I loved arguing and discussing things with other people, and I'd get really worked up about things like politics, etc. But that has died down somewhat since I had children… I guess I just kind of realized there was more to life than having such strong opinions… I don't know… not that there is anything wrong with being opinionated!!! But it put things in perspective for me… hope this makes sense!

  27. Loukia says:

    I too love the connections that we've made through blogging – it's a wonderful thing, isn't it? And I know I used to be a lot more opinionated before I became a mom. I loved arguing and discussing things with other people, and I'd get really worked up about things like politics, etc. But that has died down somewhat since I had children… I guess I just kind of realized there was more to life than having such strong opinions… I don't know… not that there is anything wrong with being opinionated!!! But it put things in perspective for me… hope this makes sense!

  28. Loukia says:

    I too love the connections that we've made through blogging – it's a wonderful thing, isn't it? And I know I used to be a lot more opinionated before I became a mom. I loved arguing and discussing things with other people, and I'd get really worked up about things like politics, etc. But that has died down somewhat since I had children… I guess I just kind of realized there was more to life than having such strong opinions… I don't know… not that there is anything wrong with being opinionated!!! But it put things in perspective for me… hope this makes sense!

  29. Allison says:

    I promise you, you are not the only one who feels likes this. I've noticed especially since I've been at home with my son that I'm less confident, always worried about how others view my parenting. My focus is so much on my son, that I'm little by little losing pieces of me.I bet that when you return to work, the passion will slowly return. You'll find new things to be passionate in, and your outspoken, confident side will return. Good luck!

  30. Allison says:

    I promise you, you are not the only one who feels likes this. I've noticed especially since I've been at home with my son that I'm less confident, always worried about how others view my parenting. My focus is so much on my son, that I'm little by little losing pieces of me.I bet that when you return to work, the passion will slowly return. You'll find new things to be passionate in, and your outspoken, confident side will return. Good luck!

  31. Allison says:

    I promise you, you are not the only one who feels likes this. I've noticed especially since I've been at home with my son that I'm less confident, always worried about how others view my parenting. My focus is so much on my son, that I'm little by little losing pieces of me.I bet that when you return to work, the passion will slowly return. You'll find new things to be passionate in, and your outspoken, confident side will return. Good luck!

  32. Allison says:

    I promise you, you are not the only one who feels likes this. I've noticed especially since I've been at home with my son that I'm less confident, always worried about how others view my parenting. My focus is so much on my son, that I'm little by little losing pieces of me.I bet that when you return to work, the passion will slowly return. You'll find new things to be passionate in, and your outspoken, confident side will return. Good luck!

  33. amotherworld says:

    Oh yes, I can relate to everything you've written. I think it's normal to lose a bit of yourself when you become a mother. Second-guessing yourself, questioning your decisions, worrying if you're doing or saying the right thing… but there will come a time when it all falls back into place. The 'ah-ha!' moment when it all makes sense. And your confidence will be right there again.

  34. amotherworld says:

    Oh yes, I can relate to everything you've written. I think it's normal to lose a bit of yourself when you become a mother. Second-guessing yourself, questioning your decisions, worrying if you're doing or saying the right thing… but there will come a time when it all falls back into place. The 'ah-ha!' moment when it all makes sense. And your confidence will be right there again.

  35. amotherworld says:

    Oh yes, I can relate to everything you've written. I think it's normal to lose a bit of yourself when you become a mother. Second-guessing yourself, questioning your decisions, worrying if you're doing or saying the right thing… but there will come a time when it all falls back into place. The 'ah-ha!' moment when it all makes sense. And your confidence will be right there again.

  36. amotherworld says:

    Oh yes, I can relate to everything you've written. I think it's normal to lose a bit of yourself when you become a mother. Second-guessing yourself, questioning your decisions, worrying if you're doing or saying the right thing… but there will come a time when it all falls back into place. The 'ah-ha!' moment when it all makes sense. And your confidence will be right there again.

  37. Pam says:

    This is a wonderful post and I think that this is also a universal feeling. Many of us are bolder in our youth. Then as we mature, we realize that sharing our inner most thougts and values can leave us open to judgement, ridicule or pain. We learn when to speak up and when to keep our own counsel. I see it as more of a maturing than as a loss of confidence. Good luck as you try to find balance in this area of your life.

  38. Pam says:

    This is a wonderful post and I think that this is also a universal feeling. Many of us are bolder in our youth. Then as we mature, we realize that sharing our inner most thougts and values can leave us open to judgement, ridicule or pain. We learn when to speak up and when to keep our own counsel. I see it as more of a maturing than as a loss of confidence. Good luck as you try to find balance in this area of your life.

  39. Pam says:

    This is a wonderful post and I think that this is also a universal feeling. Many of us are bolder in our youth. Then as we mature, we realize that sharing our inner most thougts and values can leave us open to judgement, ridicule or pain. We learn when to speak up and when to keep our own counsel. I see it as more of a maturing than as a loss of confidence. Good luck as you try to find balance in this area of your life.

  40. Pam says:

    This is a wonderful post and I think that this is also a universal feeling. Many of us are bolder in our youth. Then as we mature, we realize that sharing our inner most thougts and values can leave us open to judgement, ridicule or pain. We learn when to speak up and when to keep our own counsel. I see it as more of a maturing than as a loss of confidence. Good luck as you try to find balance in this area of your life.

  41. Chantal says:

    This is such a great post Christine! I am the opposite of you. I had no self confidence at all in my youth. I only discovered it as an adult and I still have a long way to go. I go out of my way to avoid conversations that might be controversial and cause arguments. I need to work on that.

  42. Chantal says:

    This is such a great post Christine! I am the opposite of you. I had no self confidence at all in my youth. I only discovered it as an adult and I still have a long way to go. I go out of my way to avoid conversations that might be controversial and cause arguments. I need to work on that.

  43. Chantal says:

    This is such a great post Christine! I am the opposite of you. I had no self confidence at all in my youth. I only discovered it as an adult and I still have a long way to go. I go out of my way to avoid conversations that might be controversial and cause arguments. I need to work on that.

  44. Chantal says:

    This is such a great post Christine! I am the opposite of you. I had no self confidence at all in my youth. I only discovered it as an adult and I still have a long way to go. I go out of my way to avoid conversations that might be controversial and cause arguments. I need to work on that.

  45. Claudio Brumen says:

    The strength of your convictions comes from your struggle. It is the struggle – and the occasional regrets that give you character, the strength of convictions, and harmony. You’re on your way.

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