I have these random moments of pure clarity. One could call them blissful moments. They are hard to describe, except to say that I feel this overwhelming calmness, a sense that all is right and as it should be. Unfortunately, they are fleeting. I try to find ways to capture their essence when they come over me so I can save the feeling for later, but I simply haven’t discovered the key. I’ve been wanting to write about this for some time, but had to wait for an opportunity when the moment strikes. I thought if I waited it would be easier to describe it. This post might seem random and nonsensical. I want to get as much out as I can.
Right now, I’m feeling it. Despite all the anxiety I’m feeling over big changes my family is facing, I’m having the most perfect day. It’s a mixed blessing. I’m happy that my last day home alone with my second baby is so full of joy and happiness (my oldest is in care today), but I’m reminded how different things will soon be and that all will change.
Let me describe for you just how one of these moments feels. I feel optimism about EVERYTHING. I feel like I can easily conquer all of the challenges in my life. I no longer feel overwhelmed by the everyday. I can plan meals and stick to those plans, I can keep my house clean and organized, I can look forward to all the activities I want to do with my children without worrying how to fit them in, I can find time to really enjoy reading, I can scrapbook and make cards, I can go to work, be productive and enjoy it. I also feel an intesity of emotion for all of my family members, love and joy that they are simply in my life. I’m excited about the new people in my life and everything I have to look forward to over the coming months. I have energy, I feel healthy, I feel good about myself. It’s exhilirating. Honestly, no matter what crosses my mind while enjoying one of these moments, I still feel joy. For a short time, sometimes less than an hour, I am completely comfortable with myself and my life as it is.
Perhaps none of this makes sense to you, but to me it does and it feels great. I wish I could always feel like this. I need to find the recipe to make it happen. It’s part of the journey I am setting for myself. I want to be one of those people who says, “I came into my own in my 30’s.” I’m a few years in, I’m no where close. But when I have a moment like this, I can feel it, taste it. I know I’ll reach it.